A Beautifully Messy Mass of Contradictions

I'd Rather Stab Myself in the Eye Than Have a Meaningful Conversation

2011-04-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

It's Passover. It's that time of year where Jews of all levels of observance and knowledge and such gather to recount the story of how Pharoh was a dumba** and tangled with the Jews. To summarize: "They tried to kill us, the failed, let's eat." Of course, that's a simplification, but it's the basic theme to all Jewish Holidays except Yom Kippur...which is better summarized in "We suck, we don't deserve to live, and see, we're not eating to prove it."

We spent the first seder with my gay boyfriends. They're overachievers when it comes to...well everything to be honest. This is the email that hubby and I got a few days before:

But we ARE asking people to bring a small item to add to the second seder plate. Last year <insert name of gay boyfriend here> added a spool of thread which lead to a lot of discussion...I think you get the picture. One per family should provide plenty of questions and discussions.Yeah. Here's the thing. By the time you get to dinner (which is where we did this), there's already been a LOT of discussion. Some seders more than others, but this was a "some seder", not an "other". First, there's the whole story of Pharoh and oppression and plagues and such. Then add lots of knowledgable Jews who want to tell about something they read or something they wondered or sing a new tune. We Jews? We interpret. We never take ANYTHING at face value. We argue across the centuries. We sieze upon inconsistencies and come up with all kinds of reasons they could be there. So, there's LOTS of discussion by the time we get to FOOD.

I knew this was coming. And the Heckler-in-Chief was READY. I'm not a "The Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss." type of girl. Ok, I'm THAT type of girl, but "Tell us about your personal Exodus from Egypt" is not my gig. So, I brought my husband's LEAST favorite part of Passover, THE MATZAH MAN. I love a lot about Passover, but I perhaps love The Matzoh Man best. He does a little dance. And I do it with him. Every time.

So, Matzoh Man joined us at the seder and took up a lot of room on the discussion plate. The person who took it upon herself to start the discussions wanted to know why he was there. And I replied the above. Much laughter ensued. Come on, at least half the room was thinking the SAME thing.

Doesn't turning 40 involve being "grown-up"?

2011-04-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's true. I'm 40. Well, at this point, I will be tomorrow. But I'm sure the earth has wobbled enough in my lifetime to make the distinction somewhat moot.

How did this happen? I'm not particularly dismayed about the event, but it just doesn't seem real. In school, 40 is inconceivable. Hell, 40 is how old your TEACHERS are, and getting that old just isn't on the to-do list. I don't remember there being much of a conceptual difference between 40 and 60.

Honestly? Those born during my second semester of college? Apparently it's legal for them to consume alcoholic beverages. In the United States. Nope, not making that up.

And of course, there are those I went to school with who now have grandchildren. And I'm still sitting here trying to have CHILDREN? Mother Nature is having a rollicking laugh over that absurdity.

I admit that I started feeling a LITTLE grown up when we bought our house. That seems to have faded. Perhaps it’s just that being $400,000 in debt is even harder to grasp than being 40? I don't seem to be any more "responsible" than I was before we bought it. Of course nothing has gone PROFOUNDLY wrong with the house yet, so perhaps it's just a matter of time?

So am I just perpetually immature? What does grown up feel like? Does ANYONE I know have any experience with it???

When Did Barry Manilow Turn into Liza Minelli?

2011-04-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm in a Barry mood. It's been a while, but I've been on an occasional melancholy jag, so it seemed appropriate. At some point, boyfriend started looking like Liza Minelli. Seriously. In fact, these days, he looks more like Liza than Liza. I mean, LOOK AT THIS.

How many incredibly crap plastic surgeons ARE there in Hollywood?

I've had rocks in my shoes that are both smarter and less painful than you

2011-04-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

As an IT professional, I came to understand LONG ago that users aren't NECESSARILY stupid. I try to assume that users are intelligent people who are good at their jobs and they just want the technology that is supposed to make their lives easier to WORK. Just because I spend my day living and breathing a piece of software doesn't mean that most other folks do, and so they just don't know.

But sometimes? There are morons. Aggressively, and possibly intentionally, stupid people that will not learn. No matter how many times you hold their hand. No matter how often you show them the helpful documenation that has both a short form and a screen shots. THAT SHOW EVERY BUTTON YOU NEED TO PUSH IN ORDER TO DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.

In some cases, if they seem dense enough, those around them decide it's easier just to do it for the morong rather than have to deal with the moron being aggressively stupid.

Even worse? Occasionally, BIGGER morons show up. They make the original moron look smart and easy to deal with. Which is painful, because you KNOW how stupid the original moron is.

I often compare them to the average box of rocks or the average box of hair. But sometimes? Hair is just more intelligent.

Honey, I'm a Shoe Whore. I may not sleep around, but I see LOTS of other shoes

2011-01-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

Comment to Mike after bringing home more new shoes

I'm unapologetic. I love my shoes. I love my cute shoes. I've had foot problems for the last year or so, so I haven't been able to wear what's in my collection, nor have I felt much like acquiring anything new.

Well, the foot is better. It's not great, but it's good enough. And I've got new shoes I don't even have clothes to match. So, I'm buying myself new clothes, too. If ONLY Mike's operating principle wasn't "When we run out of money, you'll stop buying shoes."

When Did You Get Peppermint Foot Scrub?

2010-09-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

Mike's Comment after my Shower

I like to have soft feet...I ignore them entirely too much, so I don't have them. On top of that, due to my extreme case of Plantar Fascitis, I spend almost all of my time with my foot taped up. Because my lovely and talented husband gets to tape my foot, it's not nearly that neat.

The down side of surgery and plantar fascitis is medical adhesive. It sticks. Forever. Long after you remove whatever it was meant to adhere to your body. In fact, the object of the adherence might JUST fall off. So apparently it just sticks to skin forever. In my current life, it means that I constantly have black and gummy lines on my feet from where the last round of tape was.

Why don't I just wash it off? Two reasons. First? The previous paragraph. Soap don't work. Acetone? Nope. Petroleum Jelly? Ok, takes forever. Second? Well, I shower in the morning, approximately 3 hours AFTER my husband vacates the house. While he's perfectly happy to wake me up to give me shots in the butt before he leaves, I don't have to shower first and I can turn over and go back to sleep.

Tonight, I did some heavy lifting, and it's a bit muggy around here. So, I decided to get a shower before bed. And I decided to clean my foot and make it soft before hubby attacks it with more tape. So, I dug into my quickly emptying tub of Peppermint Foot Scrub. And it felt so good when I did the left foot, I decided to do the right. Unfortunately, I'm a klutz. You knew that. So, I knocked off the tub of peppermint foot scrub onto the bottom of the tub. And milliseconds later, a glob of peppermint foot scrub arrived in my eye. I gotta say that it's ALWAYS hard to flush your eye with water...I mean water doesn't feel good to begin with, and strangely, your eye is designed to shut tight to help create tears and wash out the stuff you got in there. When it's peppermint AND gritty? Yeah, fun.

So, I come out and tell my husband what happened. He cocks his head and I think he's trying to figure out how I managed to get a big glob of peppermint foot scrub into my eye. Nope, he posed the question above.

No good comes of bathing. Or of marriage.

Dark and Stormy Ratholes Investigated Here

2010-09-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

I have a vision problem. Whenever I see a problem, I want to fix it. Even when it's not my problem. I like untangling problems. And being right. I'm good at it. I do it professionally, which makes it much easier to live my personal life.

The upshot is that I'm better and faster at things than a lot of folks I work with. I spend my life in a few systems, they access them a few times a month. I've managed the world as a benevolent dictator because...um...well I can. Oh who are we kidding? I like the power trip!

Turns out, this management of the itty bitty details doesn't leave me much time to do the things I'm really good at. This world has been untangled, so it's time to move on to new things that are celestial clusters. So, my boss is trying to clear a lot of this stuff off my plate and give it to the people who really own the processes and the data.

However, there are dark and nasty ratholes that only I can go down. I notice problems. Sure, I could ignore a problem I see, but that's the wrong thing to do. No, I don't own them, but if I let someone else try to figure it out, it will get even more screwed up. Then people OVER my boss will say "Well, Debi should figure this out." Or worse? They'll try to get folks at corporate to do it. Honestly? I like that the folks at corporate love me. I'd prefer not to hand them a big honking mess...I know, vision problem.

Anyway, I'm gonna make me a sign. It's going to say:

Dark and Stormy Ratholes

Investigated Here

Cheerful Service

Reasonable Rates

Stop your laughing.

No Felonies Here

2010-09-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

Place of work has recently been acquired. Actually, the company that acquired us a couple of years ago was acquired by a bigger company which is owned by a BIG HONKING company with more than 85,000 employees. Being acquired by such a large company, that is actually quite good at acquisitions, is new for me. Now that I think of it, I've been through five acquisitions now. Huh. But that's not what this is about.

The new company has processes. And a lot of them. I suppose that's important when you've got so many people. One of them is that new employees get a background check. For felonies. Since we're newly acquired employees, that means us.

I'm not sure how the Human Capital director referred to it, but it wasn't clear what would happen if you DO have a felony on your record. I mean, we're already working here. So, in the meeting of 100 of my closest co-workers, I asked. This is suprising, I know. I'm not typically so inquisitive or outspoken? I'm not sure that this question had ever been asked because I was then told, uncertainly, that it would be handled on a case-by-case basis. Ok.

A coworker told me a couple of weeks later that I've raised a lot of eyebrows. Lots of people are speculating about my criminal background. Which is just hysterical. It's not like you can't COME TO ME AND ASK. The only thing I've ever been CAUGHT for is speeding. And the last time that happened was early 1996. Parking tickets (all 2 or 3 of them) don't even count, because they're not moving violations. I'm not saying I haven't done other things. That ugly plant Dana and I stole in the 8th grade comes to mind. But I think we did the nursery a favor, really. And there are a number of photos which document the enormous amount of underage drinking I did at a certain fraternity in Atlanta. But none of those are felonies. And like I said...it's been a while.

Mostly, I asked because it came to our attention several months ago that not only was one of our coworkers a convicted felon, but he was working at our company on work release. Huh. He's gone now. But not because of a background check.

And really, Human Capital? I guess that's supposed to be friendlier than Human Resources, but it kinda makes me feel a little like property. Of course, I'm easy. Pay me enough and you can call me anything you want. Easy, but not cheap. Feel free to file away that useful piece of information.

Thank you for f*cking off...now if you could go ahead and die?

2010-08-18T16:38:00.001-07:00

Debi's further instructions for those who do not follow through with both parts of the F.O.A.D. directive

It's been a rough friggin' few weeks. People keep screwing with me. A few have been forced by people who aren't me to shove it up their proverbial...um...whatevers. But still. Aggressive stupidity as defined by the repeated pissing off of ME should be painful. And more painful than me just working to make your life hell.

On top of all this? Someone is spreading the vicious rumor that I am TACTFUL, DIPLOMATIC and above all? PROFESSIONAL. Ok, so I'm professional, but the other two? Oh wait, I should wait for you to stop laughing. Whoa, there. Breathe, please. You're not on my "needs to die list." Well, not yet anyway. There's still plenty of time.

The Queen of RTFM

2010-07-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Comment from Coworker

I'm one of the goddesses of process in my domain. I work with a lot of data, and it's important to keep it straight. Because I HATE it when my director comes to me and says "Why is this data all crooked??"

My main job involves a system with an incredibly crappy user interface. Crappy user interfaces aren't just a pain to work with. They lead to enormous amounts of user error. When something isn't intuitive, you do it wrong. So, since I want clean data, I document stuff. So, no, it isn't your fault. Windows really DOES suck rotten eggs.

I don't just point people to documents that some "professional" put together. I painstakingly put together VERY targeted documents WITH pictures AND cheat sheets that say "This custom data field refers to x and y, but not z. Please don't enter a value for z here. It goes in the next custom data field." Really, I try to make it as easy as possible on folks to work with a system they LOATHE.

Honestly? I get tired of those who say "I don't know how to do that." Well, I've showed you AND I've pointed you to help files AND I've been nice while I've done it for the last 18 months. Ok, so I haven't been nice, but still. No I'm NOT going to send you a hard copy, because you're going to print it and keep it on your desk for 3 years and get all annoyed when you're doing it wrong because I've updated the process 3 times due to changing business requirements.

Well, the coworker in question got me in an educating mood. He couldn't find something in the system, so I gave him a sarcastic comment about teaching him how to use a wildcard search. That's when he called Paul and me "The King and Queen of RTFM". Apparently, Paul had been doing the same thing to him that day. I like to think my coworker meant that with affection. But I like it either way.

Have you gained weight??

2010-07-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

Coworker's suggestion for abuse stopping question

I? Was attacked today. It has been over 4 years since I've been verbally attacked in the workplace and over 10 years since it happened in person. It was stupid. I made a mistake and the attacker over-reacted with a vengeance. Nothing like topping off 5 days of irregular heartbeat with a new orifice, eh? As always, the boss has my back. With an equal and opposite vengeance.

I confided in my co-worker-who-shall-remain-nameless about this incident. Coworker has had her/his own problems with the attacker in question. Coworker is a refreshingly deadpan and often serious soul. Coworker looked at me and said quite seriously "The only appropriate response to that is 'Bite me.'" Coworker said if that doesn't work, to drop the above question. Honestly? I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard (sorry, Chris). And coworker is much cherished due this well-timed laugh.

Coworker also told me not to share the knowledge of this very powerful question. However, I figure the 2.6 readers of my blog will keep the secret.

What is this "dignity" you speak of and how does it apply to me?

2010-07-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had a Vicodin hangover. I very seldom take any type of pain medication. It exacerbates my migraine disorder. So what, you may ask, made me break this cardinal rule?

You may or may not know that I have a very rocky relationship with gravity. I throw myself to the ground. Not intentionally, mind you, but it happens none the less. A few months ago, I missed the last couple of steps going down to the stream in our back yard. Ok, it may have been 3 or 4, but I SWEAR the ivy reached out and grabbed my ankle. Anyway, it wasn't pretty. I am a very practiced faller. I tuck and roll and typically minimize damage.

Friday, I tripped over a embarrassingly low curb in front of PCC. While I thought I was doing ok, by the time I drove the 2 blocks home, I could barely peel myself out of the car. As soon as I convinced my mom that the ER was an unnecessary step (by doing a couple of sad but effective jumping jacks), I was calling for Aleve and Vicodin. On which I stayed for the better part of 4 days.

Anyway, I explained all this to Chris yesterday. He asked "Nothing broken besides your dignity?" I pointed out that I have no dignity and thus nothing was broken. He then suggested a Rascal for trips out of the house. He's OBVIOUSLY nuts. If I can hurt myself this badly fighting nothing but gravity, can you imagine me trying to pry myself out from underneath one of those behemoths?

"The scooter is supposed to prevent your impromptu slapstick routine." Seriously? He rides in the car with me all the time. At best I'm an average driver. "Point taken. If you can't stay upright on those size 10 gunboats of yours, three little rubber tires probably won't fare any better."

For the record? They are size 11 1/2 gunboats. If I were LUCKY enough to have size 10? I'd be able to increase my shoe wardrobe at least 100% with no problem. Which would obviously make the minor reduction in stability entirely worth it.

Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one...

2010-07-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Miss Lyndi's Facebook status

Miss Lyndi is the best. Once upon a time when we were at Wizards of the Coast, she made me a tape called "Boys are Icky". And she should know. She also gifted me with the loveliest little ballerina bear. And gothed her up for me upon request. I still have both.

And sometimes? She has SUPER awesome statuses. And she lets me use them. Facebook? Way too much fun. It's really a shame that now that the internet is over I'm gonna have to find something better to do.

Hey Ya'll! Watch this!!!

2010-07-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

My boss just pointed out to me that the busiest time in trauma centers is around 4th of July. Not surprising. As anyone who grew up in the south can attest, fireworks are not only rampant, they're used in a most, well, idiotic manner. I'm sure it's not limited to the south, but that's where you most expect to hear this phrase.

My boss and have agreed that all beer and fireworks related issues should be treated under my variant of Darwin's rule which goes "Hey you! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!" It seems like we could spend the money it takes to save these morons on something more important like Viagra prescriptions for the homeless.

How do I know "they" are morons? Well, first, they were me and my friends.

10th grade. Church camp. High entertainment? Shooting bottle rockets into the lake.

BDUs

Late spring canoe trip down some river or another. All of us making our way lazily down the river, aside from the frequent cross canoe splashing, rock throwing and such. While we were stopped for lunch, a few of the guys came out and told us in a very giddy tone that we should be moving down the river. As Ricky R. was carrying a glass peanut butter jar along with a maniacal face into the woods. Yep, nothing like black powder and a sealed glass vessel. RUN!!!

Summer of that same year. The sociopath I was dating tossed an M-80 at me. Supposedly, it wasn't supposed to get stuck in my waist-length hair and go off as it passed my leg on the way to the ground. Supposedly, it wasn't supposed to tear the hell out of my leg. His response? "You weren't supposed to run." And I dated THAT gem off and on for the next two years.

Much younger days. Out at the beach with mom, step-psycho and friends. BIG rockets. Into the sea oats up on the dunes. Fire ensues. I don't remember how the hell that one got put out. Probably involved a humorous group of jackasses running back and forth from the water to the fire with the shrimp pot and beer bottles.Ah...good times.

Anyway, the point is that any injury proceeded by this comment is probably well deserved and if it results in something life-threatening it should fall under the "he needed killing" category. Not that I don't revere my distinguished white trash origins. I'm just saying.

Please make that look more like a Muppet vomited SteamPunk

2010-07-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

Job Description for new Super Secret Startup

The job description states that you should find this adequate art direction and that you think the word "Please" is superfluous. I like this. If I possessed any of the qualifications, I would consider applying for it.

I also like the description for the Developer. For some reason, the line "You should know how to interact with a database in a healthy, grown-up, passive-aggressive way." It reminds me of my friend and colleague Paul. Although, I think he probably interacts in a purely aggressive way.

Of course, I'm the girl who was lucky enough to start at Wizards of the Coast on Halloween 1995. One of my teammates (a non-observant Jew) was dressed up as an Arab Terrorist. The Admin for the CEO was dressed up as Death. The admin walked up to me in the hall and blocked my way in a most threatening manner. At which point my teammate came up with his fake machine gun and saved this not-yet-Jew from Death. Really? That was one of my normal interactions there.

Serial Monotonist

2010-07-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

Overheard at Ron & Robert's Chuppah

My friends Ron & Robert just had their Jewish wedding. They've been together for close to 20 years and this is the third time they married each other. They had a commitment ceremony in 1991, long before anyone thought same-sex marriage would ever happen. They got married in Canada just after it was legalized there. And they were finally ready to cement their lives together in front of their friends and family in our tradition.

One of the traditions of Jewish weddings is that the guests are there to entertain the couple. Period. The first thing that typically happens before signing the wedding contract is called a Tish, which literally means "table". The groom is SUPPOSED to deliver a lesson in Torah, typically based on that week's Torah portion. However, it's seldom more than a sentence or two.

In order to distract the groom from his nervousness, he is interrupted with jokes, songs, dance, and heckling. Robert's tish was probably the best I've ever been to. And it didn't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that I was in the back with the best group of hecklers.

At one point, I asked if marrying the same guy three times made him a serial monogamist. Someone else pointed out that marrying three DIFFERENT people made you a serial monogamist. Marrying the same person 3 times makes you a serial monotonist. Shortly after, for reasons I can't remember, this curly redhead broke out in Annie's Tomorrow. A good time was had by all.

Always do what the nice man with the machine gun tells you

2010-06-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

Lesson learned early by all Air Force brats

It would seem that two idiots have tried to invade one of my home town Air Force bases. The only reason I wasn't born on the base is that they were remodeling, so they sent mom over to St. Joseph's which used to be a nice Catholic hospital, nuns and all, but now seems to be owned by the Baptists. But I digress. Anyway, it was less than a mile from my gram's house, so I've spent LOTS of time there.

As a 23-year veteran brat, I've spent lots of time on LOTS of Air Force bases. For those of you who grew up near military bases that were NOT Air Force, you might not realize the security that the Air Force employs. I remember the first time I drove on to Fort Bragg and I couldn't understand why I didn't have to drive up to a little shack, show them my ID, and have the nice man or woman with the scary sidearm wave me through. It was the same on some Naval bases I visited. Just drive on, drive around, go home. I don't know if it's still that way, but I suspect it is.

It used to be you could get waved through the gate at an AF base during the daytime with just a base sticker on your car, but that ended for a while during the first Gulf War and then permanently after September 11.

See, the Air Force locks it down. And if you think the base is hard to get on to, you should see the flight line. That's one of those places where they shoot first and ask questions later. Ok, they wrestle you to the ground, point a machine gun at your head and then ask questions. I suspect they'd only shoot if you were dumb enough to say, not kiss the concrete.

Anyway, I'm not sure what they planned to do...show up at Central Command and THEN be gunned down? Or maybe they were just hoping to rob the commissary. They did go the day BEFORE payday, so maybe they were trying to beat the crowds? They should be happy they were stopped at the gate and just risked bodily harm from the police dogs.

That can go in the box marked "Tragic"

2010-06-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Tacky House

We're addicted to home shows. Not too surprising. Holmes on Homes and Clean House are my two addictions. And we do watch in horror at those new hoarding shows. But Tacky House is on after Clean House sometimes, and we occasionally watch that.

This quote came from the episode where they de-rosed a woman's "Martha's Vineyard" room. That really looked like a bunch of silk rose bushes puked everywhere. As they were cleaning out the room, the host said that something could go in this box.

I know I haven't been around much. Not to linger, but we just finished a round of IVF. It was not successful. After 10 weeks of hormones, that was REALLY great news. But, I'm getting back to normal. And here's proof.

Why would anyone want passable pizza and an attractive woman when a disc of grease and animatronic bears are to be had?

2010-05-04T10:02:00.002-07:00

Chris's commentary on our favorite pizza joint vs. Chuck E. Cheese
It's true. Another anniversary of my birth has come and has gone. Chris took me out to lunch for my birthday. And by that I mean that we went to one of the two places we ever go and it was his turn to pay.

Our favorite pizza joint is close by. It has relatively good pizza. It has a really nice ass and decent boobs on parade fairly often. I can't remember her name, because I suck, but she knows us, she likes us, and she's hot.

While discussing options for my special day, I suggested the usual: "Pizza and hot chick". His response? "What? No Chuck E. Cheese?" Maybe I should have taken him up on it and gotten my ass kicked at Ms. PacMan while we were at it.

Turd-sucking bag of possum vomit

2010-05-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dexter by Design by Jeff Lindsay
Ok, I just got around to listening to this. I'll say it's better than the last Dexter book but still not up to his first two. This line is shouted at Dexter and his sister, in Spanish, by a lewd, crude man in a wheelchair. When he winds down and starts calling Deborah things like bitch repeatedly, Dexter mocks him for his loss of creativity.

They taste like chickpeas...well lubricated chickpeas

2010-04-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Debi's Opinion of the 120 servings of Chickpea Salad

After services on Shabbat, my synagogue has kiddush. Essentially, it's an after-services lunch. Either, someone sponsors it in honor of an event (wedding, bat mitzvah, the Mariners made it to the World Series) or because they wanna. When that doesn't happen, the Shabbos Chefs get together and prep a nice little lunch.

All I wanted to do was make some bread. A specific bread. A 4-foot-long loaf of challah, specifically. For practice. For later. Not withstanding.

So, I was TRYING to coordinate with the person in charge that week so I wouldn't be stepping on her toes while I was trying to bake the challah that ate Cincinnati. She didn't realize it was her week. She'll be out of town. No worries, says I. I've been meaning to do kiddush for a while. I'll do it.

No one who knows me is surprised that I'd just randomly offer to cook for 180 people. What didn't occur to me is that planning during Passover (when you're also having 20 people over for 1st Seder)...well, it never happened. So Tuesday night, I'm busily trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to fix for 180 people so that the lovely head of the chef's committee can do all my bloody shopping for me. It's harder than it sounds to scale up a recipe from 6 servings to 180. No really.

One of my favorite side dishes is a little chickpea salad I like to make. Some chickpeas, green onion and a nice little vinaigrette. Uses hot sauce, so it's got a nice little kick.

Well, with 10 pounds of chickpeas, we made it in turns: flavorless, not quite so flavorless, too spicy for public consumption, better but not saying much. My last opinion was the title of this post. We decided soon after that to quit, let it marinate until Saturday morning, and then add 15 pounds of tomatoes. I actually think it will be quite nice after that. If not, lubricated is good after the season of our constipation.

Is it a classic because it's good or because English teachers assign it?

2010-04-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

I recently picked up the first big Zombie Lit book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I got about 5 chapters in before deciding it might be funnier if I really knew what it was spoofing. Off I hied to the NetLibrary via my local library, and there downloaded all 11 hours of Pride and Prejudice. I have to say that aside from the strain induced by incredibly frequent eye rolls, it kept me engaged and entertained. So much so that I read The Scarlett Pimpernel and I'm about a chapter away from finishing Sense and Sensibility. While I can't say I understand why there are yearly conventions, I suppose the same can be said for many phenomena of my generation.

I had a hate/hate relationship with assigned reading. I don't know that I ever finished an assigned book unless we read it 100% in class. Cliff's Notes? A life saver. Since then, I've tried to go off and read some of them. Cannery Row, Hemmingway, Fitzgerald...I typically got about half a chapter in and never picked them up again. It's a bit easier with audio books. I'm not sure I'd have slogged through any of this stuff.

But who decides? Who decided Lord of the Flies was a "classic" and not just the product of a dude sitting down and thinking "How many symbols can I put in this book to drive sophomores NUTS in Mrs. Jones Advanced English?" I don't get it. Who likes some of this schlock? And if it DOES have merit, why waste it on hormone driven zombie freaks?

I dunno...I think I might pick up some Oscar Wilde next. I have the rest of Jane Austen waiting for me on my iPod. We'll see. Meanwhile, I'm taking suggestions for things that won't make me hate you.

Shakespeare was a prick

2010-04-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

So earlier today, I made this my status on Facebook:
Debi Robson Vans Evers is planning on suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune next week. I've got a bit of time on the schedule.
Why did I do this? Well, it sounds like a cool thing to do, eh? Suffering outrageous fortune and all. Not as in money but as in "may you live in interesting times." Then I wondered "What does that mean?" Because anything his contemporary said in 3 words, Bill said in 20. Turns out it ain't so good. Huh.

Which doesn't so much lead to today's quote, but just sort of reinforces it. I hate Shakespeare. Mostly? Because he was a misogynistic schmuck. Well, and that's not even it. What REALLY peaves me is that his protagonists can get away with being the most god-awful bastards for 3 acts, make one little speech at the end, and everyone falls back in love with the dipshit. Not just the women. The men love him again, too.

I read Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet, Julius Ceasar, Hamlet (I think that was it), King Lear. I've seen Shakespeare on stage several times, including twice with the Royal Shakespeare Company. I've seen movies (though honestly, he's MUCH better suited to the stage). I even watched Shakespeare in Love, and Gwen? Seriously?

So I'm perhaps not the most eloquent hater of "the Greatest Writer in the English Language." But I don't get it. Really I don't.

It’s times like these when knowing what I’m doing would really come in handy

2010-03-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

Dirty Jobs

Reality TV doesn’t really do it for me for the most part. But I think Reality TV is much more about the drama than the substance. As such, I don’t consider shows like Dirty Jobs and MythBusters to be reality, but they are entertaining. I think in this episode, Mike was busy in a locomotive factory.

I feel his pain on the knowing what he’s doing front. Home remodeling has been like that. For THAT, I put the blame SOLELY on Norm Abram and HGTV. They make everything look so friggin’ easy. And fun. And while it is fun, it’s a time sink. I can run lights in a house now…but it took me 8 hours to do it in the basement. I can drywall and mud and tape. But DAYUM it’s slow going. As First Crush has mentioned, I’ll be a PRO by the time we’re finished with the house. If he didn’t have a new baby, I’d import his used-to-drywall-and-paint-in-college ass from Australia to be my slave for a few weeks. Except he mentioned something about sexually molesting my refrigerator. Which might be even better, especially if I can get pictures.

So, I’m a homeowner (or more like a homeower) who sunk all her money into the home and the electrical. And is damned lucky to have been able to do it in the middle of a crap market. And it’s fun. But no, unless you are my gay boyfriends, I am NOT coming to help you with drywall.

What’s the lingo for when someone slaps you with a flip-flop?

2010-03-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

L.L. Cool J on NCIS: Los Angeles

Mike and I LOVE NCIS. Honestly? One of the finest ensemble casts in television. When I just stopped to think about other great casts, M*A*S*H came to mind. Friends. I mean, there are other shows where there are lots of good parts of the cast, but none of the actors NCIS are anything other than a part of an extremely good cast. Even Abby is “just” part of the cast, even if Mike and I would leave one another if she wanted either of us.

NCIS – Los Angeles. First, I don’t know why it’s called NCIS. They don’t really investigate much in the way of Navy stuff. It all seems to be higher level national security. It feels like their just trading on the NCIS name, but whatever. It’s growing on us. This line is delivered by LL Cool J after the geek of the team explains about “friending” on Facebook for those in his audience that didn’t understand the “lingo”.

Truly, the best part of this show is Linda Hunt as Hettie. Hettie is the head of the LA office, by way of the most colorful life imaginable. She alludes to times on movie sets, affairs with stars, and her favorite car still being part of the road in Monte Carlo. She’s an odd choice, and could not be more fun. Like I said, it’s growing on us.

That doesn’t even sound as fun as Yahtzee

2010-03-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

Overheard at my aunt and uncle's house
I was in Boston last week. I went up early to spend time with a dear friend from college, and in turn, we went to New Hampshire to see my aunt and uncle at their weekend house. My aunt loves games, and so we were looking through the options to see what we would play. Somehow, a twee little bunko set came to be at the house. With no directions. In pink. So, like any net-savvy person, I googled directions. It was a little odd, but it seemed to involve having multiple tables, and the highest scores from each table coming together to play each other. I didn’t get very far through my description before this comment. And he was totally right. So we played cribbage. Which is more fun than Yahtzee, especially when you’re aunt comes from a 40 point deficient and loses by 2 points.

I’m so cold you could Zamboni my ass

2010-02-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani
Seriously? It is friggin' cold in this house. We haven't gotten the heating quite figured out around here. Our temporary bedroom is above the furnace, so even though it doesn't feel hot in our room when we get into bed, two hours in, we're sweating like it's Florida. Which only makes you colder, burrow under MORE blankets and sweat more. We own non-flannel sheets. I could guess 3 or 4 boxes they MIGHT be in. If I'm lucky.

I already have serious issues regulating foot temperature at night. I sleep with up to 3 pairs of socks in bed with me. Start out with the thick ones. Move to the thin ones. Realize they're not quite warm enough and upgrade to the middle thickness. Move back to the thin ones. It's a nightmare. If I were smart, I'd find my hot water bottle again, because you can always distance yourself from it, and eventually kick it off the bed.

I actually went to Macy's on Saturday night and bought non-flannel sheets. 600 thread count on clearance with an extra 20% off since it was Wear Red weekend and I happened to show up in a red fleece. Don't ask me.

It helped. Sort of. It's even colder when we climb into bed. Last night, I got up an hour after falling asleep to put on pajama bottoms. Then at some point, peeled them off.

This morning? Freezing in my office. Can't run a heater and my computers in this room. Maybe should have run a bigger circuit to the room, but what did I know? Considering running another circuit to the room. A bit beyond my abilities, but so was most electrical stuff before I did it. We'll see.

Never pass up an opportunity to ride a good greased goat

2010-02-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

Fellow PM in response to a predicted cluster

There's a term in the project world called "Goat Rodeo". It speaks to, well, the majority of corporate life in a lot of places. Everyone's running around wanting things yesterday, and they can't have them because they didn't do what they needed to do to make it happen.

For instance, when I have to arrange to have some sites updated, you actually need to TELL me that you'd like me to handle it. I used to have a vision problem: If I saw a problem I made it my own. I don't have this problem so much anymore. Frankly, it's no longer my job to go begging for MORE work I don't have time for, even if I know at some point it will probably bite me in the ass. It will bite me in the ass LATER unlike the things that are waiting on my plate to devour me now.

Second, 36 hours is not an appropriate amount of time to do updates for a site that require us to get prior approval. In fact, they tend get pretty pissy with us when we just randomly go in and start changing their setup without them saying "Why yes, we'd LOVE to have you do that for us." Ask me how I know this. I have found that big accounts tend to give you a break when you're ACTUALLY down on your knees when you make that apology call. Even if they can't see it, there's something about the position that helps your voice convey that "for the love of G-D don't yell at my CEO about this" sense of urgency and about-to-piss-oneself fear. In all fairness, when I screw up that big? I tell my boss, his boss and the account manager in micro-seconds. Which MIGHT be why they've got my back.

Third, when I email you and said "I've never been involved with this, so I need more info or the name of who has handled it in the past," you should be prepared to give me one or both. It makes it easier for me to perform miracles. I do pull off miracles. Make me want to pull one off for you.

Finally, I accept several forms of thank you gifts, dark chocolate being my favorite. And if you're going to tell me I rock? Tell my boss. He knows, but he likes it when other people know, too. Just revere me like the rock star I am, and I will make you look good. Ciao!

You know EVERYTHING...except...

2010-01-24T19:47:00.001-08:00

One of my gay boyfriends tells this story about his mother. She patently denies it, but I'm going to attribute it to her anyway, because frankly? It sounds just like her.

Jeanie was at a bridge party and one of her table mates was a blowhard. Knew everything about everything. Well, Jeanie, not one to suffer fools finally turned to him and said "Between the two of us, we know everything." The man looked at her quizzically. She said "You know everything except that you're an asshole, and I know that."

Seriously? I can't believe no one ever said that about me. My mom claims "I know everything, just not all at the same time." I'm right there with her!

Billy Idol got a Michael Jackson nose job??

2010-01-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

I saw him for the first time on December 30, 2009. In front of Starbucks. As I was walking to my car. Billy Idol. In an 80s miniskirt, leggings, 6-inch wedge platform shoes and a leather jacket. Not pretty. Needed SERIOUS makeup lessons. Even from Mary Kay.

No, it wasn't the REAL Billy Idol. And I don't take pictures with my phone (except to document the insane amount of crap I write on the boss's white board), so I was NOT prepared to whip mine out. And he didn't look like he'd be willing to pose for a fan picture. But seriously? Yikes.

I saw him again today. A little better look at his face. Of course, first I saw the black over-the-knees boots...but I didn't see anything else. Because his nose caught my eye. And by nose, I mean a little-bitty-used-to-be-a-nose. Like Michael Jackson. And it's not like you can get that nose in one surgery. Or at birth.

It's not my first brush with celebrities in drag. I did see the woman version of Joey Ramone at Whole Foods a couple of years ago. Seriously made the REAL Joey Ramone look downright sexy.

Anyway, maybe next time I'll strike up a conversation. I really am wondering WTF happened when he recorded this.

Where are those Con-Mints when you need them?

2010-01-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

A mailing list I belong to is having a discussion about "Dragon Breath". The person who brought it up pointed out that it doesn't take much for her to be nauseous for hours after a particularly bad encounter.

Someone suggested Vicks Vapo-rub. Perhaps a change of clothes and a bath. Then our favorite Seattle Cop suggested a cigar, before she went on to describe some of the biohazards she encounters from time to time. So for some ODD reason, I brought up this recollection.

Once upon a time, I worked for a venerable gaming company called Wizards of the Coast. Yep, it's true. In fact, they're the ones responsible for starting me on the path to the computer professional I am today. Now my boss knows who to ~~blame~~ thank. I started after Magic: The Gathering became a world-wide phenomenon, but while it was still HOT! HOT! HOT! Yep, I was the coolest thing ANY boy under the age of 16 had EVER met.

We had a fun director of customer something or another. At the time, Starbucks had just released a mint that truly would combat coffee breath. It's main ingredient may have been some component of Agent Orange. Much stronger than Altoids. Anyway, he called them "Con-Mints". Because if you ate them consistently enough at conventions filled with the target demographic of Magic, you wouldn't actually smell them.

I thought he was kidding. I was wrong. One year, we held the World Championships at the corporate headquarters. These boys? STANKY!!! Woof. And one of my fondest memories of my time at WotC? The clip-on air fresheners clipped to every HVAC vent in the building. Not sure it helped, but it sure as hell didn't hurt.

Come to think of it, I worked with the guys who created these little gems. Not quite Con-Mint strength, but sugar-free AND caffeinated. Perhaps there was a small niche market that was missed?

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted

2010-01-18T17:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously? Martin Luther King, Junior spoke about me? A nice Jewish girl from a distinguished lower Alabama white trash background? Where we didn't have gay people? And I still heard things like "Salt and Pepper don't mix" from friends? He talked about me before I was even born? Huh.

I'd like to think I'm "creatively maladjusted". While I understand those I grew up with, I don't agree with them. I don't think them less intelligent...though I do feel like they don't listen to their rhetoric before they speak it. Of course, I can name just as many bleeding hearts who do the same. I like to challenge those I grew up with. Their reality is different from mine, though I suspect we're closer than our words would indicate. Of course, I'm the girl who asked her uncle what he'd do if I came home and announced I was gay. He'd told an anti-gay joke. Boy...talk about an uncomfortable family silence!!

What would MLK have done if he hadn't been made a martyr? And Malcolm X? And RFK? What would have been undone if George Wallace had become a martyr?

These weren't perfect people. King had mistresses. Malcolm was an ex-con. Kennedy? Well, he was a Kennedy AND a Joseph P.'s son. George Wallace paid a price for his views and recanted. Whether not he was sincere is pretty much between him and his maker.

I can't fathom what the world looked like even in the year I was born, 1971. While racism was alive and well in my childhood, there was no hitting or spitting or lynching. Amongst my school peers, I don't even remember it being a hard segregation. That wasn't true in the 60s. When American fought American over whether or not someone was inferior due to something beyond their control. Sad to see the hatred hasn't faded, just been re-focused for the most part.

I go back to Garth Brooks. I know. One day, maybe not in my lifetime, We Shall Be Free.

News Flash: Debi Sucks at Calm

2010-01-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

For reasons that I shall no go into now, I am trying to be more calm. True, my theory has always been that lack of stress makes me tense, but still. I'm trying to lower the amount of cortisol racing around in my system. If it's catching? Several people are getting stressed off the fumes.

And seriously? The damned air card just ate my GD post. It died and now, the post is gone. I want somebodies head on a platter.

Well, as my friend Elaine just said: "you do tense hysterically". Damned right I do.

Don't Piss Me off...I have SOOOOOO many places to hide the bodies!

2010-01-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

Things are going well at Rottenfield Manor. I swear I have a huge number of pictures to post...I'm not sure where my camera is, but I could probably find it. They're going well when it doesn't involve outside forces. This starts with the City of Seattle.

We spent a lot of money with an electrician, and one of the things we did was move the service from the street to the front of the house. Seattle City Light has its act SO together, that I MAY get it switched by next week when I originally inquired on the 17th of December. I have power, but the upshot is that Comcast can't run cable to our house until the service is switched because they have to ground to the new service (this house never had cable run to it). This means no internet and no phone. And I work from home 3 days a week. Now? I work from Barnes & Nobles three days a week:)

So, I checked out an AT&T Aircard from work for when I'm not at a hotspot. Go to install it? It disabled my keyboard and mouse. No kidding. Had to hook up to my docking station (after digging it out of some box). Ok, uninstalling didn't work, so LUCKILY I know enough to do a system restore. Hied off to B&N to use their wifi (and spent 2 hours on chat with Comcast trying to get access to my in-limbo VM). Tried to reinstall the aircard this morning, same thing. Accessed it through my dock, got the keyboard re-enabled followed by BSOD. No, seriously. Rebooted, Aircard starts throwing errors. Finally, after the umpteenth restart, the aircard seems to be playing nicely with the keyboard and mouse. Turns out it's a known issue with my model of computer...*sigh*

Monday started with someone at job who complained about me to someone at the corporate office. You know, one of those folks who I work with and have a very good relationship with...and our closest common boss is probably the CEO. Anyway, he was complaining that I wasn't responding quickly enough to his "simple" request for a report that was ANYTHING but simple. That he requested at the end of the year. When I was planning and executing an upgrade for 500 clients. Mandated by the federal government. That always happens at the end of December. And I took a week of vacation between Christmas and New Years in order to move. I was available to manage the aforementioned upgrade. He said the 5th of January was FINE.

I understand that I'm his sole resource for these numbers. What he apparently fails to understand that if he has an issue with me, he is WELCOME to consult with my boss or my director. And that when I forward the email string, he'll be ignored. And that he's now on the naughty list of the person he reported me to. That controls all our data systems. Sucks to be him, now. My final satisfaction came when my director said "The data Debi said wasn't in the system isn't in the system. You can come see me about it." Heh.

For those that don't know, Rottenfield Manor boasts and enormous amount of storage space. And a ravine in back. I'm not entirely sure there aren't already bodies in said ravine. Hopefully, by the time we clean it out, they'll have all decomposed. I WILL hide your body there. Seriously. Don't screw with me. I hold a grudge.

Calling Dr. Gorgeous

2010-01-08T09:20:00.000-08:00

Saturday night in the shower, I happened upon a (as Eddie Izzard would describe it) a big f*ck-off lump. Not your average clogged pore, your average golf ball sized invader that hurts like hell. Between my legs. In that spot between the girl parts and where both buttocks meet. I showed mom and Mike in a pose that is often seen in the pages of Hustler. Mom said “You should call your doctor, that looks like a boil.” Useful suggestion at 9 pm on a Saturday night.

So, I called my doctor at 8:40 on Monday morning, and got an appointment for 9:50. Just enough time to get some tea, right? Well, I ended up being the tiniest smidgen late just because it was full-contact parking day. Doc took one look at it and said "I'm going to give you some antibiotics."

Um, didn’t come here for antibiotics. I came here to have the invader cut off my body. “Can't I have it drained?!?!?!?!" Apparently, most folks go pale at the suggestion, so she doesn’t make it. She said she’d see if Surgery could fit me in.

Um, surgery??? Yeah, apparently this isn't a little poke, it requires a scalpel. Off to surgery where they ushered me into a nice little room within about 5 minutes. A very nice older PA came into the room. Followed not by a medical assistant or a kindly nurse. Followed by SUPER-HOT resident. You know, the popular guy in high school you either wanted to be or date? Because he was SO nice and SOOOOOO hot?? Yep, he’s here to learn from my boil. Yay. I’m happy to help train the next generation of medical professionals.

I’m given one of those teeny-tiny robes, which was at LEAST enough to almost cover by butt in the back. And give me the highly sought after Brittany Spears look if I crawl out of a low slung car in it. I climb up on the not-so-comfy exam table on my tummy to wait for the inevitable re-entrance of kindly PA and SUPER-HOT. Apparently, I was exposing more skin than the PA was comfie with, because he used another gown to cover up my legs so I “wouldn’t feel so exposed”. Yep, bare legs are what have me feeling exposed. They return and there’s not a whole lot I can do in these situations besides crack jokes and laugh. Except when he shot me up with a whole bottle of lidocaine. That hurt, so I did some DEEP BREATHING. I think some of the office paint took flight and is still lodged in my lower left sinus. He sent me off with a prescription for Vicodin to match the prescription for antibiotics my doc had given me.

I was FINE for several hours. Lidocaine? GOOD STUFF MAYNARD. Then? Wore off. And pain commenced. MUCH more pain than when the invader and I had been one. Vicodin is reserved for EXTREME circumstances because I’m mildly allergic to it. So, I endured the pain. And endured. I emailed boss man and said that between a big infection, and not exactly being able to sit, I was going home and going to bed. His sole comment? “Yikes!”

So, today, Thursday, it’s finally feeling better. Mostly. I bought a foam pad to sit on (they don’t call them hemorrhoid donuts anymore). It worked until today when it started to make my coccyx hurt.

So there you go…hope you find joy and meaning in my festering boil. Happy New Year!

This is my daughter for whom I would gladly return to prison

2009-12-29T23:07:00.001-08:00

Quote from First Crush

My first crush and his lovely wife had a baby yesterday. In honor of that, I sent him a quote that I'd seen on Facebook:

Guns dont kill people Daddies with pretty Daughters DoHe sent me this in return. But not before he sent me the news that little Penelope had joined the world:

Mum and bub are beautiful and healthy. Dad is healthyIt's fun having long lost folks back in your life. Between Facebook and Google, I've found just about everyone I ever wondered about. There's a few folks I've still not "found". Chris Thornton for instance (in case he ever ego-surfs). Heather Harris for another, though I think I can find out about her through my sister-in-law. Six degrees and all. Oh! And Dan Watola who first dubbed me Debineezer.

Anyway, I have lots of things collected up from all these weeks of silence. I'll get 'em in here soon.

It's amazing how much fun you have with a gift card and a brick

2009-12-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

Luann, 12/13/09

I got nothin' on this one. I blame the new Rottenfield Manor. I'm tired, tired, tired. But this is funny.

Contemplating which of the 7 deadly sins to take on next

2009-12-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

What I Did for Love by Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I admit it...I like books with no redeeming mental value. I don't always read complete crap, but it's a good break. Personally? I'm thinking of taking up sloth for a while.

I want more suck for my buck!

2009-12-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

Debi to Mike while deciding upon a range hood in Home Depot

I love to cook. Sometimes, I cook at high heat. I'm not saying I burn it, I'm saying that sometimes, a nice steak requires a little bit of singeing under the broiler, and I'm just the kinda girl to do it. Cooking a pizza at 450? Well, unless your oven is immaculate, you're likely to generate a bit of microscopic particulate matter.

Our current "exhaust fan" couldn't suck the whipped cream off a mocha. No seriously. I had NO idea that wall mounted exhaust fans existed...yep, flush to the wall. I think maybe it was supposed to be a bathroom fan or something. But it takes out next to nothing. It often fills the neighborhood with a pleasant aroma and I do tend to cook for an army...but I don't think that's part of its cunning plan.

Smoke alarms are designed to detect this microscopic particulate matter and scream at the top of their little electronic lungs that it's time to panic because...um...FIRE!!!!!!!!! The smoke detector closest to our kitchen is in the stairwell adjacent. It doesn't do it too often because we tend to keep the door to the basement closed. It's cold down there. If the smoke alarm goes off, we always say "Dinner's ready" and 9 times out of 10, it is.

No longer. For my new kitchen, I have obtained he who shall be called "Sir Sucks-a-lot". No, Gabe, he is not a Senator from Nebraska (that's actually "Sir Blows-Hard"), though it is easy to see your confusion written across your ex-patriot face. Sir Sucks-a-lot moves 440 cubic feet of air each and every minute he's powered. Compare this to the 300-350 CFM (Cubic Feet per Minute) that is considered to be on the high end of the spectrum.

Sir Sucks-a-Lot is unlikely to allow conversation in his all-powerful presence. Like his mistress, he demands all attention be paid to him. But it is a small price to pay for suck divine suckitude.

Best of all? I saved $100 because apparently, they're phasing out this model. I suspect there just isn't a market for power over beauty. There were pretty range hoods, but they lacked the power of my beautiful boy.

Mock me if you will. I bought $5 light fixtures for my bedroom and an $8 for the stairwell. Why? Because I have my priorities screwed on straight. And if you're good, I'll cook for you to prove it.

What is that? A Par 3?

2009-12-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Mike's response to Tiger Wood's "Accident"

As you may know, Tiger Woods backed out of his home in a gated community this weekend, ran into his neighbor's tree, bounced off the rim and knocked himself unconscious. Um?

First, the man has way too much money to be backing out of anything. Circular driveway anyone?

Second, how does one hit a neighbor's tree hard enough to ring your proverbial bell while sustaining only minimal damage? Was he driving a friggin' hummer? Don't answer that.

So, Mike's theory was that it went mailbox, tree, street for his three hits. Hey, that's pretty good for a man who wouldn't know par if he met it on the street.

Frankly, I'm glad he's dead

2009-12-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Northwest Washington has experienced the execution of 5 police officers in the last couple of months. This morning, the "suspect" was shot dead.

I've been involved in several conversations surrounding these events. From what my SPD officer acquaintance hoped would happen to the killer to the nature of evil and if it exists.

Judaism does not believe in the standard interpretation of "An eye for an eye." Our tradition teaches that this passage means that reparations must be paid, not that you literally take out another.

When we recite the plagues during the Passover Seder we remove 10 drops of wine from our cups to diminish our joy because of the suffering of the Egyptians.

What I'm saying is that by tradition, we're not a blood-thirsty lot. And yet, I find myself incredibly glad the SOB is dead. I'm more glad that he was going to shoot at yet another police officer and died with one of the guns he stole from a dead officer. Without those? There could have been lingering questions over whether or not the got the right guy.

I had the opportunity this morning to tell two Seattle Police Officers thank you. Thank you for facing death every day. Thank you for doing a job I can't fathom. Thank you for protecting us. I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he suffered with a belly wound for 2 days. I hope this doesn't speak too much of the blackness of my soul.

What does it mean when the spambots get you?

2009-11-26T22:30:00.000-08:00

I've been getting spam. Only on old posts. But it's annoying. Does this mean I'm popular? Or I've just been around long enough to notice?

We DID close on the house on November 20. Between that and the WORST computer month on record, I've been doing a GREAT job of keeping up here, even though I've got funny stuff to say.

Unfortunately, I'm in the post-Thanksgiving dinner haze. So, seriously? Tomorrow. Or DEFINITELY by Monday!

We're wearing garbage bags and paying a lot for the privilege

2009-11-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

Debi to Mike before the start of Blue Man Group

This is actual the show that started the path to broke-ness that I chronicled last week. We were wandering up the strip from Mandalay Bay...yep we walked all the way back to the Venetian from there. And that is a BLOODY. LONG. WAY. Navigating around people. Dodging in to places reported to have penny pressing machines. Dodging the lines of men (and a few women) handing out cards, broadsheets and magazines about where to find nude women who will do anything you want. JEEPERS.

Anyway, as we came upon the half price ticket place, I asked Mike if he wanted to see anything. He said he wouldn't mind seeing Blue Man Group, which actually surprised me. But we got ticket vouchers which we had to exchange for actual tickets at the box office.

I didn't want to pay for the more expensive tickets, so we got tickets in the red zone. It turns out that the red zone has the four front rows and then all the ones behind the good seats. The four front rows are called "The Poncho Seats". The gentleman at the box office assured us it was more of a drizzle than a downpour. Miss BittyCrazy said something to the effect of "HA!" on my Facebook page when I mentioned this. So, we got them.

We arrived and donned our clear plastic bags with hoods. And sat. And waited. And sweated a bit. And laughed our way heartily through the show. And nary a drop assaulted us. Mike didn't know what to expect from the show, but he expected to have some form of liquid aimed at him. The lack of this disappointed him. Had I known, I'd have saved some of my water and spit it at him after. Oh well.

I love Homestreet Bank!

2009-11-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

This is a true story. I am not a paid spokesperson for Homestreet Bank (though I'm happy to be if you guys call).

I went into the Wedgwood branch of Homestreet today to get out some cash. I ran into Gina who I mentioned my last post. I asked if she'd gotten my amusing (to me) voice mail about vanquishing the ATM machine. She said yes and asked what I'd written in my blog. Huh? It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. Then she paraphrased the line I wrote about her jumping right in.

Turns out that their marketing department must have a web crawler that alerts them to "media" hits, and I guess my post must have hit their radar. Apparently, they contacted Gina to find out if there was a problem that needed to be fixed. It went to the head honcho of marketing, did the hokey pokey and ended up with the president of the bank. SERIOUSLY? What's funny is that only two lines of the entry was quoted and it was something like "Gina said". Not very informative. So she was pretty well in the dark.

Apparently, my humorous writing style of my last post didn't entirely convey that not ONLY did Gina make sure my problem was fixed, she and every person at Homestreet Bank ROCKS! I don't go in that often, but they all know me when I do. I don't have to call a corporate number to get help. I call the branch and they either help me right out or they make the calls and get back to me. I've been pointed to a corporate number once and that was for help on the website that the branch simply couldn't help with.

When I had to go back and get copies of our cleared rent checks for a YEAR? One of the employees probably spent an hour going through screen after screen after screen of check images to find the 6 I needed (I had the latest ones). Then called me back late on a Friday afternoon to say they were done and she'd look out for Mike to come and get them.

I've never had an interaction with them that was less than happy making. So honestly? I can't imagine EVER banking anywhere else, and wish we'd switched more than three years ago. I'll be emailing "whomever" to make sure they know this. Although I'm sure it will show up on their webcrawler by Monday morning.

Broke in Vegas? How cliché!

2009-11-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

I mentioned that we went to Vegas. On Sunday, our debit cards started arguing with us. It all started when we were at the half-price ticket place to get tickets for Blue Man Group, which I will write about later. After a weekend of reckless spending, my debit card was declined. Twice. So, I went off to call the bank to leave Mike to try his. Turns out I can't get through to my bank on Sundays. I could have if I'd had a lost or stolen card, but a declined card? Sucks to be me.

All hope was not lost. We had plenty of cash on us to get us through the next day when I could talk to the bank and say "um???". And we have another bank account we could get some out of, but like I said, we had plenty.

We tried it again after lunch, and no problem. No problem for the rest of the day. Then at dinner, the card went through as a gift card and left us with an $18 balance. VERY bizarre.

Well, in Vegas, "plenty" is a relative term. On our way to breakfast, I tried the atm. No joy. I called the toll-free number on the back of my card and was put on perma-hold. I called MY branch of Homestreet Bank and Gina jumped RIGHT in. So, even though I can't talk to anyone on the weekend, the branch makes up for it. She said that we have a $2500/day limit and sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday hit all at once and bam! No, we did NOT spend $2500 in Vegas...we did pay for the trip and the hold at the hotel and a couple of things for the house. So, bam!

She said it should clear by 10 a.m., so to try the ATM again after that. We went and had breakfast. (The mini-buffet at the Venetian is AWESOME by the way. There aren't a lot of things, but the things that are there are phenomenal.) We made our way back to the ATM. No joy. Although this time it didn't tell me I had exceeded my daily limit, it just said no.

So, we went to the room and packed up...then we headed down to the packaging center to send a few things home. The card was declined AGAIN. Well, there went the rest of our cash, eh? So, I tried my other debit card for the other bank. The ATM gave me the same message about having exceeded my daily limit, which was amusing given that we hadn't used it in 3 weeks. At this point, I decided that the Venetian ATMs were just friggin' grumpy.

At this point, we'd checked out and I was desperate for my morning fix of Starbucks black iced tea, no water, no sweetener. I have a Starbucks card which is refilled automatically just so I always have the means to feed my addiction. So we're off to Treasure Island across the street. The Venetian/Palazzo complex has no Starbucks. The ONLY thing that gives them less than 5 stars in my book.

But I forgot. Not only does that Starbucks charge $5 for 20 ounces of iced tea (I kid you not), they don't honor Starbucks cards. Luckily, we'd stocked up on quarters for our penny press activities, so we were able to scrape enough together for my fix. I'd also gotten a call back from Gina and she said had called the corporate office and it was just running slow today. She asked me to try it again. So we find an ATM at Treasure Island. SUCCESS!

So, we were sans cash for a few minutes and our ride to the airport was already paid for. Annoying at worst, but so cliché.

Thank you, Veterans

2009-11-10T19:35:00.000-08:00

I don't wax sentimental around here too often, but this is important to me and I want to share.

I'm an Air Force brat several times over. My grandfather was a retired Major. My Uncle was a Green Beret in Vietnam and served in the reserves for MANY years after he left active duty. My mother, father, step-mother and two step-fathers were military. My husband served and more friends from high school than I could possibly count (though I'll try later).

I am especially grateful to women veterans. My mother and step-mother joined the Air Force in the early 70s. A lot of folks didn't think they had any business being there and it would have been easy not to be. And they stayed. I chose not to join the armed forces. I am grateful that I had both that luxury and that I had women before me that paved the way for those in my generation and after. When we buried my step-mother, it was in a national cemetery with military honors. It made me proud to be her step-daughter.

Those of you unconnected with the service may not realize, but being military family is its own form of service. I had it easier because it wasn't wartime, but my mom was stationed in Korea for a year and my dad spent 2 years in Turkey when I was young. My parents lived through the threat of Vietnam. My friends were in the first Gulf War. I never got calls saying my son had been seriously injured on a mission in Veitnam. I never had the men visit from the DOD to tell me that my husband was dead. I never had someone return to me different than when they left, or never return at all. I don't have to live with that fear. Many do, and they deserve as much thanks as any veteran.

I may be a bleeding heart liberal. I may think that we're in ill-advised conflicts of our own making. I may think a lot of things. But I am grateful beyond words that I was fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by men and women ready to lay down their lives for their country and those who live in it. I'm grateful that I've had the luxury, and yes, it IS a luxury, not to serve. No one I grew up with was ignorant of the military and military life. So many people I surround myself now don't have any connection, and I think that's a very bad thing.

So, thanks Mom, Dad, Kathie, Uncle Frank, Mike, Ty, TJ, Jon, Ken, Jim, KC, Donald, Adam, Cindy and the two idiots my mom married (who weren't worthy of marriage, but they deserve some degree of gratitude for serving). Thanks to those who love them, support them, and pray daily for their safe return. Thanks to anyone I forgot to name. And thanks to the millions I don't know.

What happens in Vegas comes to debineezer.net

2009-11-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

We took advantage of obscenely low priced packages to Vegas this weekend. We could not have had a better time, and frankly, I would rank it as the second coolest trip I've ever taken. It doesn't beat 20 days in London on a student loan...not even a close second, but definitely second. Mike could not stop laughing at his dorky wife who floated on air for an hour after getting pictures with the Coca-Cola polar bear, jumped for joy after winning $11 at video roulette, and generally had the best possible time.

Anyway, tomorrow is my tribute to veterans, but Thursday, I will be here to regale you with FABULOUS stories of our trip. Stay tuned.

You say you're not a bed rubber, either??

2009-11-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

Blame it all on Miss BittyCrazy. She needs to back away from the Birkenstocks. I had NO idea you could use Google to alert you to the emergence of random phraseology on the web. Egad! But a commenter on my post regarding fluvial geomorphology indicates that it's EXACTLY how he came across my blog. After offering to allow said surfer to geomorph her fluvial, she suggested I do a series of really dumb job names. I couldn't find any at first, so she sent me a list. And sadly, I can identify pretty much all of them, including the one from the Neutral Buoyancy Lab. You'd think with all this arcane knowledge, I'd have gotten laid more in college.

However, I did run across a few I'll share of the next couple of days that made me sit up and say "Um?". Bed rubber. Yep, actual job. The job itself sounds like a pretty typical foundry job, so I'm not sure why they make it sound like a queen-sized prophylactic. More over, I don't know why the two references I found on the web call it a DOT job description. OOOhhhh...it means Dictionary of Occupational Titles. And according to this page, there are a disturbing number of jobs which use the word "rubber".

In other news, I've posted some pictures of the future Rottenfield Manor.

You are a fluvial geomorphologist, aren't you?

2009-11-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

Discussion with Miss BittyCrazy sparked by this posting

As anyone who reads Miss BittyCrazy's blog knows, she was laid off from the Evil Empire in the not-too-distant past. As a project manager myself, I'm currently working for a PM Certificate so I can get a PM Certification. I don't think they're very meaningful, these certifications, but people who hire PMs do. Anyway, I wandered over to the Project Management Institute and clicked through to their job listings. None of the Washington listings are for PMs.

But I think PM is too narrow. I think all our hard work QUALIFIES us for fluvial geomorphology. And since she can't even TRANSLATE fluvial geomorphology, I think Miss BittyCrazy is certainly as qualified as 99.99% of the population.

Of course, this lead DIRECTLY to a conversation about her thought that it sounds like someone who would be boring at parties. And as a Marine Chemistry major, I pointed out that the interdisciplinary folks tend to be more interesting than the pure scientists. Based on nothing in particular. Except maybe the facts that (a) I was one and (b)I hung out with Georgia Tech engineers. So there you go, conjecture, innuendo, and completely unsupported supposition. Happy Monday Morning.

Get off your cross...they're gonna need it at the church come Easter!

2009-10-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

I am skilled and educated in many, many things. There may be NOTHING I am more educated in than the concept of martyrdom. Specifically, as it plays out in interpersonal relationships.

In my family, we learn martyrdom before other less important things like walking and bladder control. I'm fairly sure the secret proudest moment in a Vans Evers' parental life is the moment the little devil first puts the back of its wrist to its forehead in a gesture that would make Scarlett O'Hara proud. I have only recently come to recognize some of the magnificent moments of martyrdom exhibited by my beloved grandparents throughout their lives. In other words? We're pretty damned impressive when you consider the family is neither Catholic nor Jewish (my current religious affiliation aside).

I have had martyrs try to impress me...or rather try to manipulate me. They have NO idea what they're up against, really. You'd think I'd have more appreciation and, perhaps, sympathy for these impresarios. But those of you who know me best realize that I mock and judge them harshly. By the same token, I'm unforgiving with my own martyrdom. Unfortunately, I'm so good at it that often even I can't detect it. Ok, so THOSE moments give me a little pride.

I wonder what our kids will learn of martyrdom. With my mother and I both in the house, the potential teaching moments will be endless. Hopefully, she and I can keep each other in check. Hell, with any luck, the kids will call us on it.

I can't listen to politicians no more, I get a seizure

2009-10-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

Terry on True Blood

I can't say that this is a good show. They know how to keep you interested from one episode to the next. It's entertaining, and we've only got two seasons left of Season 1, but it's not one of those one we'll be standing in line for to get Season 2.

The sex is a bit excessive. I'm all for sex, and I'm not against depictions of sex on TV. But it seems to be one of the pointless selling points of this show. It's HBO, so the sex is pretty damned graphic, too.

But, you know I'm a sucker for one-liners. And I like to share them with you, my 4.2 readers.

This president believes in global warming, as well as evolution

2009-10-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

Obama's Nobel Peace Prize Announcement (for Diplomatically Impaired) on YouTube

Those of you at "work" will have to watch this one from home (or through a Proxy), but it's totally worth it. A friend of mine on Facebook posted this link which has the announcement of Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize with hilarious subtitles. I was planning to drag my weary ass off to bed without an entry tonight, but the above phrase aborted THAT plan.

Now I am one of those seemingly rare, educated, critically-thinking, bleeding-heart-liberal religious types. I swear, I eat non-kosher meat, and I don't claim to believe in G-d on a daily basis, but I believe in religion and am in awe of those more religious than myself. (There are actually a lot of us, but it doesn't seem like it here in the crunchy-granola Pacific Northwest). I also believe in global warming and evolution and the big bang and that the earth is more than 5770 years old (6000? It's OUR friggin' calendar, and the world is only 5770 years old damn it!) I don't exactly disrespect those who don't believe it...I just REALLY don't understand them. I have a great deal of trouble respecting them when they try to make policy that negatively affects the rest of the world based on those beliefs.

Among other useful translations:

Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's hope while selling so many t-shirts.

Those who are to lead the world do not have to be dicks about it to the majority of the world's population
The gentleman ends appropriately by saying:

You can now shit yourselves.I actually think that one is mis-translated. I think it translates as "You MAY now shit yourselves", but no one would accuse me of being a diplomat.

A lot freaks there…and people from Arkansas

2009-10-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Arlene on True Blood

Later, when her son remarks on how white the vampire is she says "Honey, he's not white, we're white. He's dead."

Now I can appreciate this joke on many levels. I grew up in Lower Alabama (yes, it's true), so I can appreciate jokes about any Southern flavor. And I'm allowed to laugh at them, because I ACTUALLY know Southerners. Second, my dearly adored husband is from Arkansas. I've been there twice. I didn't leave ANYTHING there. Arkansas is a good place to be FROM.

I'm still not sure I like this show. I want to like it. It feels like it has potential. I just don't know if I can imagine what fulfilling the potential would look like.

It DOES come with one-liners, though. And we all know how Debi loves one-liners.

Turbriskefil

2009-10-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

The Big Bang Theory

I've been mocked before for relying too heavily on Big Bang, but oh well. You've heard of turducken, right? There's a Wiki article on it, so if you haven't? Go. Now for the record, there are kosher turduckens, so we Jews don't have to deprive ourselves of real, honest-to-goodness, organic, free-range turducken.

But, Howard's mom is obviously special. She spawned Howard after all. No, she makes Turbriskefil. Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. Nope, not as good as it sounds.

I like gefilte fish, actually. I can't imagine it being stuffed in anything but maybe some matzoh. Although some friends told me the first gefilte fish they'd ever eaten was deep fried in bacon grease...apparently, Robert's been trying to recreate that down-home goodness in kosher form ever since he converted. Yeah, no dice.

I got nothing witty to wrap this one with...

I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight?

2009-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Rajesh Koothrappali on The Big Bang Theory

I suspect they're not at home watching True Blood. I think maybe it's the show that's making me feel pathetic. We're supposed to love it. But it's pretty dumb so far.

Say it! NOO-CLEE-AR

2009-09-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

You thought people started going ballistic about NEW-CU-LAR in response to the fact that our 43rd President couldn't pronounce it, didn't you? I've got news for you. My Uncle Sandy was going ballistic about that in the Reagan era. I'm not sure my cousins said it wrong more than once or twice, but I lived in Lower Alabama and my edumacation would lapse in between visits.

My gram taught everything. There was literally not a subject in K-12 that she could not or did not teach. When I lived with her and she corrected me on something, I'd always shoot back "You're not an English teacher!" because she wasn't teaching English that year. I'll be damned if I can remember one of the things she corrected me on.

Nuclear? Well, I'm sure Uncle Sandy never ACTUALLY whapped me upside the head when I pronounced it like an ignorant piece of trash, but that might have been kinder. There was something about his "You. Know. Better." way of correcting you that both made you feel really bright and really stupid at the same time. And to this day, I prounounce it correctly. He would be VERY sad to know that NEW-CU-LAR is officially an alternate pronunciation in this world.

Barking Bullfrogs!

2009-09-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

My Uncle Sandy was a funny guy. Seriously funny. He got ALL my gram's brains, which is scary considering the rest of us aren't slouches in the Brainiac department. He was one of those guys who could mortally insult you in 10 different ways, and you'd STILL walk away thinking he was one of the nicest damned guys you ever met. He left me with several great memories, which I think I'll share this week, but this is the one that has wormed it's way into my daily life and vocabulary.

I'm sure Uncle Sandy stole "Barking Bullfrogs!" from someone else, but in my mind it will forever be Uncle Sandy's way of describing THE FART. Not your typical passing gas. Not the ever-so-embarrassing bare legs on a vinyl chair squeal that you try to pass off as chair noise. Not the silent-but-deadly which were also a problem in my family. Nope, this is how he described that time in your day when your ass talks to you and everyone around you.

In later years, I've updated it, slightly. I'd like to think my Uncle would approve. But "Batman" always seems tacked on to the end. "Batman" ends up tacked to the end to number of my strange phrases like "Shit on a stick, Batman" and...well...that's the only one that jumps to mind.

I googled for "Barking Bullfrog" and came up with this. I don't know exactly what Marky barks at, but it's not gas. Apparently, no one is willing to take on the seminal favorite The Gas We Pass. Hopefully, our kids will have both in their library.

P.S.When I hit "Publish Post" to well, publish this post, the following ad came up on Blogspot.
Flatulence Treatment
Natural Flatulence treatment with proven herbal product.
Flacentical.com

There is something underwhelming about scholarly hate mail

2009-09-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England by Brock Clark

I don't think I've ever gotten hate mail. I've gotten one or two letters that felt kinda harsh at the time. Ok, maybe a few more that I've forgotten. I got one from my ex-psychopath that in retrospect was complete and utter manipulation. I've sent some letters filled with anger, but I don't really have anyone I hate, so it seems like it's hard to send hate mail. Those people I once hated are now dead, and sending them letters was always somewhat pointless.

But I've been thinking lately that mail just doesn't come the way it used to. I know people bemoan the death of the written letter right and left, but I have a reason for thinking this now. I've pretty much saved every letter I've ever received. Except those few from my first crush that I was talked into burning. (Ah, the exQUISite drama of your first "breakup"). And the ex-psychopath's letters don't seem to be around any more either. But we're talking letters from the 7th grade. It's not like email. We all delete emails. They're all short. Can you imagine sending a one paragraph letter?

I've hung on to all of them as some sort of proof that people have cared about me. I don't even wonder about that now, but it took a long time to consider myself worthy enough of love to take this step. I'm about to start sending them back to some of the people that wrote them. Not because they aren't precious. If they weren't precious, I wouldn't have them 25 years later. These letters don't tell the story of my life so much as they tell the story of the people who wrote them. The romantic ones won't go back. I'll keep rereading those for years to come. But the childhood ones...I suspect it will be like reading a diary you don't remember writing.

I hope it's as wonderful and meaningful a gift as it feels from my end. Now if I could just get Rae on the phone to get her bloody address!

I have met the other woman...her name is Tivo

2009-09-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

My husband has had two girlfriends during our marriage.

One was the new vacuum cleaner we bought to replace my 12-year-old Hoover. The day she came home with us, he vacuumed the living room 3 or 4 times. Each time, he would take her out the side door to clean out her dirt trap and filters. Each time he would come in and exclaim "Look at all this dirt!" This repeated almost daily for a week or so, then subsided. I still tease him about leaving me for the vacuum, but I don't believe to to be true. Anymore.

There is a new woman in his life. She's been here for a while, and I fear she's here to stay. We've had Tivo for a while, but she was relegated to the basement with our TV. I don't like the basement, so we didn't watch much down there. We'd watch movies on the computer monitor in the living room. One day, I got the bright idea to get a wireless transmitter for the Tivo. Now? EVERYTHING is available upstairs. I've written about the ramifications on more than one occasion. Mike records a LOT of things to watch on his Zune.

Not a day goes by that Mike doesn't wander down with his lists of episodes to see what's recorded today, clear off old stuff, look through to see what's coming up. You see, Season Pass isn't foolproof. If only I could get him to be this efficient and thorough about washing the dishes...or hell, even vacuuming. I'd be surprised if he doesn't spend an hour a day managing the thing.

I got him LiquidTV for our anniversary. This was supposed to make our computer into a Tivo AND allow him to control the downstairs Tivo box. Well, not so much. He hates it for various reasons. Yesterday, he physically brought the box up to plug it into the tuner card in a LAST ditch effort to make LiquidTV recognize the Tivo box. It didn't work. Not only didn't it work, he killed his beloved Tivo. Dead. As a doorknob. The thing is a second-generation box, so it's OLD. Well, it was old. Now, as I've mentioned, it's dead.

He WAS smart enough to write down everything he has on Season Pass before it died. No kidding? Fifty entries. Fifty. Granted, some aren't showing right now. ONE is mine (Cake Boss). But still. I mocked him. He declared it finally and irretrievably dead last night around 8 pm. He lasted less than 24-hours before he left the house for a 40-mile round trip to the nearest known replacement down in Southcenter. I told him I could order it from Amazon and have it here on Wednesday. He whined that he wouldn't be able to record NCIS tomorrow. When I pointed out he COULD record it from the computer? He whined.

Update:My husband informs me that TWO of the Season Passes are mine. In addition to Cake Boss, he's recording Charmed. Charmed is entirely the dogs' fault, but that's another blog post.

Why do zealots never understand irony?

2009-09-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

Defying Gravity

Seriously? This show had a Very. Slow. Start. But Sunday night? It started looking up. Really up. We were going to get some answers. Things were going to start moving FORWARD instead of the show always teasing us about "What happened back then? Wouldn't YOU like to know???" There were still going to be mysteries, but we could start to figure them out instead of wish 90% of the show would just catch onto the fact that all is not as it seems.

It was the "season finale". Which is to say, ABC started it late, and is now postponing it indefinitely so that other shows can return. That was episode 8. There were 13. ABC is currently mulling it's "scheduling options". The reality is that it got pretty poor ratings. Go figure. They could have condensed all the effing back story into about two and a half shows and we could be half-way to Jupiter by now.

So, we may or may not ever know what happens after the scene that looked an awful lot like Samuel L. Jackson opening the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. We STILL don't know what was in that freakin' briefcase, and we may not ever know what's in the storage bay.

"We" watched the first episode of The Vampire Diaries last night, too. Mike wanted to see it, and I was playing Mah Jong. Yeah, it's definitely on the air because of the Twilight craze, even though the books were written in the early 90s. Vampire meets girl. Much tension ensues. Big Bad Vampire brother comes back to screw up everything. The music definitely didn't suck. The HOT VAMPIRE that girl OBVIOUSLY falls in love with? Not hot. Weird looking. They WANT him to be hot. But they got a brooding Matt Dillon whose face got stretched a bit by one of those programs we play with on the internet. Matt Dillon was always cool, but he wasn't really HOT. Evil vampire brother who is there to screw things up? Ok, he's hot. But not hot enough to make me tune in. Of course it could be like Defying Gravity where we threaten to stop watching for the first 6 episodes and then they end it at 8. That would be cool.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner

2009-09-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Patrick Swayze, 1952 - 2009

Like most girls of my generation, I was introduced to Patrick Swayze through The Outsiders and Red Dawn. But those have never come to mind when I think of him. Yes, it's always about Dirty Dancing. I must admit, I didn't see it until the middle of 1988, but after that, it became a favorite.

When I told Mike last night, he said "We must go rent Road House in honor". I'm sure it won't be at the store for several days.

He was an incredibly talented man. And SEX-EE. Woof. I could watch the "Love is Strange" scene over and over and over.

May his memory always be for a blessing to his loved ones and his fans.

Next time your coccyx hurts, consider therapy

2009-09-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

As you may be aware, my coccyx hurts. It's been hurting for quite a while now. I've tried the hemorrhoid doughnut, the tush-cush (Ten Days to a Tighter, Younger Sphincter), a new chair...the only things that work are my leather couch and my exercise ball.

When we discussing my pain-in-the-ass, I asked if my chiropractor knew that apparently you can have the coccyx removed. He said yes, but that it was very difficult to find an orthopedic surgeon to do it. He then gave me a 45-second disclaimer about not wanting me to think his next statement had anything to do with me. He said that most orthopedic surgeons wouldn't touch the tailbone because coccyx pain has a high correlation with mental disturbances and mental illness. Yeah, let THAT one sink in.

Thinking in retrospect that he might be meshugenah, I just found this on the web. Huh. So all I need for my PITA to disappear is up my medication? Who knew?

So, next time your coccyx hurts, look into some Prozac.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, therapist, or chiropractor, nor do I now or have I ever played on on TV, stage or radio. Never base medical decisions on Debi's ramblings. If you consider doing this, seek therapy.

The topic of discussion is "Operation I Told You So"

2009-09-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Eureka Pilot

I'm NOT adding Eureka to my list of shows. Period. But, as with many things, I will watch it in the background if I'm in the living room. In the pilot episode of this show on SyFy (I'll rant on that below), something goes terribly awry in the town where all the geniuses live and the government develops stuff. The Colonel (of an unnamed agency which seems to supersede the Department of Defense) gets a call in the middle of the night and tells his staff to get all the big wigs together in the Sit Room for the topic of discussion which titles this post. I would give a WHOLE hell of a lot to be able to send a meeting invite with THAT on the title.

But this brings me to SciFi. They've now renamed themselves SyFy. To which I can only say, "WTF"?? SciFi means something. SyFy apparently stands for "We're so hard up in spite of our wildly popular original series, we'd like to show WRESTLING now". Yeah, you weren't ACTUALLY on Spike last time you flipped by it.

Anyway, I'm guessing marketing folks are not only out of work, but ridiculously cheap. Which would imply you could get GOOD work for cheap. Hrm. I guess THAT theory doesn't hold.

I'm nesting vicariously

2009-09-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

Chris is having a baby. By which I mean, his lovely and talented wife is having a baby and he gets to stand around, be (most RIGHTEOUSLY) blamed, and generally wring his hands. Any day now. Could have already happened. Apparently, he refuses to tweet about it. He's a writer dork, not a cool kid.

I have not crocheted baby blankets for a while. After crocheting 60 wee funny bonnets (also known as yarmulkes or kippot) for our Jewish wedding, it may be another few years before I get around to it. So, I'm providing tasty food. You know, what I'm REALLY good at. I did all the shopping last weekend for at least a solid week of food, probably quite a bit more. There currently rests three and a half gallons of soup in my freezer. I started muffins this morning (though I think I'm just going to make those fresh as requested. They don't have much in the way of freezer space, so I'm making stuff that can go from my freezer to them in a heated fashion relatively quickly.

Chris says I am not allowed to bring over food UNTIL the baby comes, no matter how industrious I am in advance. He's no fun. How on earth will I coo and cluck over his lovely wife and generally make myself a pain in the ass? Honestly, he has NO regard for my needs WHAT SO EVER.

We also got a dehydrator this weekend I've put two batches of apples in so far and well, one batch is already gone. Next we try "fruit leather" which is your basic no sugar added fruit roll-up. Who KNEW they weren't a General Mills invention?

You wanna die by post-its? Because I can make that happen.

2009-08-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

Get Smart

Originally, Mike really wanted to see this. Then, Steve Carrell pissed him off somehow, and he didn't want to see it. I ran across it at the library and figured I'd bring it home. It was surprisingly good.

The original Get Smart was arguably brilliant. But it was too much for me. I cringe at repeated idiocy. This was FAR more subtle believe it or not, and yet still slap-stick funny. Alan Arkin and Dwayne Johnson (yeah, that's The Rock in his former life) were terrific supporting characters and the stapler scene? We had to rewind to watch it again.

I think the most fun was the interaction between the desk-jockey analysts and the entirely-too-egotistical field agents. One of those field agents made this threat. You know, it's your basic geek vs. jock struggle. The geeks win, even when they lose.

All in all, very enjoyable for a free movie. We also watched The Chumscrubber. I can't say the same for it. I'm not sure WHAT I can say for it.

BONUS: this makes 5 updates in one week. FIVE. I don't know I had that much to ~~pontificate~~ ~~spew forth on~~ share with folks. Blame Miss Bittycrazy.

Moronic Inferno

2009-08-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

Keeping with the theme from Monday, I give you the last of my quotes from Oscar Wao. He used this phrase to describe junior high. I have NO idea what he means, really. Junior high was an especially bucolic and productive point in my life. Dropping your bright pink gym shorts on the guy who had the locker under you who just HAPPENED to be the guy you had a secret crush on? Never happened to me. Wearing a pink sundress with my COOL brand new zip-on kangaroo tennies (the ones that are SO cool, I can't even find a picture of them on Google)? Dunno what you're talking about. Being quizzed by the queen bitch on why I was wearing blue eye shadow and a green shirt (um, there's more than one color of eye shadow??)? Nope, not me. Spending the night at a friend's house and stealing the world's ugliest plant because we couldn't figure out how to steal a street sign? *shrug*

Pryor Junior High School wasn't all bad. At least I was a band fag instead of a football player. Record while I was in band (and thus required to attend all football games)? 1-7 in 8th grade, 0-8 in 9th. Come to think of it, they might have been better off if I'd played football instead. I got to be in gifted Biology with the ever-talented Mr. Williams. The man could deliver an entire lecture without ever dislodging the ball of spit that sat in the corner of his mouth. And me? Advanced placement me who actually took my 9th grade math class at the high school? I got a GREAT award at the end of the year. Turns out I made not only the highest grade of the year, but one of the highest grades EVER. In Home Economics. I bet my name is STILL on a plaque in the library.

Moronic inferno indeed.

You're the best kind of bad juju

2009-08-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Ittybittycrazy is someone I "met" on a social mailing list I've been on for years. One day she pointed me to her blog, she stumbled across mine. The connection was OBVIOUS, and we soon made plans to meet in person. Of course, that took forever between her buzzing social life and my various and sundry malaise. We've managed to have lunch twice now.

The first time was lovely. But later that day, I finally noticed that I was having heart palpitations and was sent off to the ER by my lovely GP. It turns out I didn't blog about my heart palpitations, for as Ms. Bittycrazy will tell you, I SUCK at updating my blog these days. Oh, and it was a perfectly lovely trip...in and out in under 2 hours after they'd monitored my heart and found some extra beats, but nothing dangerous. NOTHING. I held neither the heart palpitations nor the loveliness of the Swedish Cherry Hill ED against my new friend.

Anyway, we had lunch again yesterday. A lovely time was had by all, followed by an incredibly silly walk around the neighborhood trying to find my car. Last night, I cooked up some CHEAPASS tuna I got from Whole Paycheck over the weekend (fresh off the truck for $2.99/lb for the whole fish). I sauteed it on one side, carefully turned it over and stuck it in a 450 degree oven for a few minutes. MAGNIFICENT.

I REMEMBERED to use a potholder to remove the pan from the oven. Not a given for those of you who know me. Went about my business and about two minutes later, pick the pan up. With no potholder. Turns out the handle was still OHMYUNHOLYFREAKINGHELLALMIGHTY hot. Immediately run my hand under cold water, followed by holding on to ice for the next two hours. First degree burns, so somewhat painful, but nothing like it could have been.

Mike and I trekked out to find Spenco 2nd Skin Moist Burn Pads, which it would seem are now kept behind the counter at Bartell because I think they're saturated with narcotics they feel SO good. Came home and it only took two or three tries for mom and I to get the damn burn covered. At some point my mom said something about me reading the directions. I pointed out that I didn't need to RTFM. I've used these things so damned many times I know the FM by heart. Then I think I went off on something about R-ing the FM, but I stopped then.

I realized after my hand is wrapped in an ace bandage (because the 6 feet of tape only cut off my circulation and didn't actually keep the gel in contact with my burned hand), that this is all her fault. Has to be. It's not like I hurt myself when she's not around or anything. Damn it, Bert get off the effing floor.

Anyway, feel fine today. Not even tender. Those burn pads are miracles, but remember to give the secret code word to the pharmacist. Ittybittycrazy may be my newest friend, but at this rate, she'll be the last new one I ever have!!

Aw honey, did your butt scare you?

2009-08-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Trying to comfort Lily

Yes, I'm a dog person. Well, specifically, I'm a small dog person, which makes me FAR less of a person in some eyes. And I understand those eyes, because they used to be mine. I don't know that I could be a big dog person for a few reasons. One, they drool. Big dogs drool. It's not their fault. If I had a tongue that big hanging out the side of my mouth as my only means of cooling, I'm sure I'd drool like that, too. The fact remains, there are few things on earth that gross me out more quickly.

Second? Big dogs smell like dogs. I'm not saying my dogs don't smell, but they have to REALLY need a bath for me to even notice when they're curled up in my lap. It helps that mine are not only TINY but also the shortest of short-haired, so there's not a lot of places for the stench to hide. Dogs are hard to keep clean, I know. And I'm sure I'd be entirely too lazy to keep a big dog clean and thus un-stanky. Thus, no big dog.

Anyway, my crazy, high maintenance, yappy little Italian Greyhound, Lily, is...well? She's very intelligent but...she's a drama queen, which you would think would make her my favorite, but let's face it, I hate the competition. I'm at least a self-aware drama queen. What's really funny is that even though she's a year and a half old, and hasn't grown since she was probably 10 months old, she still doesn't exactly know where all parts of her doggie-self are at any given time. Iggies (shorthand for Italian Greyhound) have amazingly long legs. So my 10-pound dog is as tall as your standard 30-pound mutt. She doesn't seem to keep track of them very well. She's always doing stupid things like sticking them under my feet when they're about to hit the ground. I KEEP telling her "paw vs. shoe"? Shoe ALWAYS wins. She's a slow learner.

She also does this bizarre thing once or twice a day which can ONLY be described as Lily Freak-out. Without seeing it (I should record it for YouTube) all I can say is that it's as if she's gearing up to do the dead cockroach. She heads for the couch and attacks the part where the back and the seat join. And she rolls. And rolls. And bites. And jumps. It's truly hysterical. And it's not just one couch. Any couch she's on when the mood strikes.

Anyway, Lily's butt has stalked her a few times. More precisely, she's had a klingon or two and they scare the unholy bejeebers out of her. She runs around yelping with her tail tucked under her. I shouldn't laugh, but it's funny as hell. That isn't what elicited this particular comment. She just jumped away from her butt. Yeah, that's what I said. Maybe it was post-traumatic klingon syndrome??

We've had reports of aggravated stupidity

2009-08-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

Nuclear Jellyfish by Tim Dorsey

Dude, I suck at updating lately. Trying to get my mojo back in many aspects of life, so let me start here.

Yes, Serge A. Storms is back in Tim Dorsey's latest romp through Florida. Think Carl Hiassen on a speed ball followed by a week of Crystal Meth. Maybe Carl Hiassen just on a speed ball. Elmore Leonard would need the week of Crystal Meth.

I'm listening to it on audio, and I'm only about half-way through the first disk, and there's already been death by sprinkler system of two Neonazi's who were beating up bums under a bridge in Jacksonville. Serge may be a serial killer, but he only kills the scum of society.

Not that I have EVER experienced aggravated stupidity. Never. It just doesn't happen. I love ALL people, even their flaws. Come on Bert, up off the floor. You don't know where it's been. And I don't appreciate your implication. Oh, who am I kidding? I've got the patience of a fruit fly in heat when it comes to stupidity, inefficiency, intentional ignoramusness and general dickheadedness.

Anyway, here's to less aggravated stupidity and more Serge A. Storms in this world.

Looks like an H2IK Sequence

2009-08-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

Defying Gravity

As I'm sure you all know, Hubby is NOT allowed to add any more shows to OUR TV lineup. If there's something new he wants to watch, I either watch it in the background while playing CivIV or he watches it during slow times at work on his Zune. I said I wanted to watch this after seeing previews. I still blame him, but I can see the skepticism in your beady little eyes.

We desperately want to like this show. But after the pilot episode, it didn't look promising. It keeps jumping back and forth between 10-years-ago, 5-years-ago and present time (which is in an undetermined future). There's a mysterious force pushing them to explore the solar system. Apparently, abortion is illegal, but they don't go into why at all. There's your basic soap opera plot line with a ship captain who is married to the project director (who is stuck back on earth), ex-lovers stuck together on the ship, and a crew-member's husband mysteriously developing heart problems hours before the main launch causing him to be stuck on earth.

Anyway, last night (the 3rd episode) offered the first real laughs of the series. After REALLY pissing off the instructor in class, one of the student astronauts goes up to said instructor and explains that when he was a contractor designing part of the ship, the bosses expected them to know everything whenever asked. He and his coworkers came up with a code called "H2IK" which stands for "Hell if I Know".

It comes up later in the show when said engineer (who is now stuck on the ground with the project's two directors really screwing with his life) reviewing the problem with ship having no power and says to his former instructor "It looks like an H2IK Sequence". Obviously no one else knows what this means, but in code? "You're screwed."

Anyway, in true Captain Montgomery Scott fashion, he pulls it out in the end figuring out that some asshat left a wrench in the power drive causing much chaos.

We've decided we'll watch the next couple of episodes based on the small gleam of humor offered in this episode. And I plan to use the phrase H2IK from here on out.

ADOS: Attention Defecit OOH! SHINY!

2009-08-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

"Flair" given to my cousin on Facebook

Just to show you how aptly this describes me? I changed my Instant Messenger name and picture and forgot to update my blog for a good 30 minutes while I went from place to place on Facebook. You know, Facebook? That unholy time suck?

Anyway, speaking of shiny, I need to take my new shoes to the cobbler tomorrow in order to have the left toe stretched. In addition to providing me with highly expensive, extremely uncomfortable new orthotics, my new podiatrist told me that my left little toe has an enlargement on the bone. He told me in a most matter-of-fact manner that I have two choices: make the shoes bigger or the toe smaller. Apparently, making the toe smaller isn't a simple matter of soaking in Epsom salts or something. Nope, it involves SURGICAL SHAVING OF THE BONE. He DID tell me that any good cobbler could stretch my cute shoes with no problem so that there is absolutely no rubbing. Good podiatrist and sensible. Could it be MORE obvious that a petite flower such as myself would never give up her cute shoes entirely??

UPDATE: Chris, my local grammarian, editor and all things OCD has pointed out that I spelled "Defecit" wrong. Apparently, it's "Deficit". He accepts not my excuse that the button was spelled wrong. He also hates that I use the old-fashioned typing rule of two spaces after a period. Every time he is forced to proof something of mine, he does an immediate search and replace. I think he's given up chastising me for it.

I'm honestly a pretty good speller. But the arcane rules trip me up. Because they're not really rules...they seem to apply 50% of the time, which makes them suggestions in my book. At least I still pronounce it "NEW-CLEE-ER"...Uncle Sandy pounded that into my head at an early age.

Flab that won't go away no matter how much I yell at it

2009-08-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

Rosie Dunne by Cecila Ahern

Adding to Itty Bitty Crazy's delusion that I read a lot, I bring you another quote from the book I'm currently listening to. It's an amusing book set in Ireland...Girl Meets Boy, Girl is "just friends" with boy for most of her life, Boy moves to Boston, much heartbreak ensues...mostly brain candy.

Honestly, I don't feel like I "read" nearly as much as I used to. I don't commute nearly as much anymore, so my audio book consumption has plummeted over the last 18 months. And I'm far more likely to do Merl Reagle's Sunday Crossword in bed before I fall asleep. The New York Times Crossword? All I have to say is that Will Shortz is Satan.

I try to read. I still don't go in much for "important" works or hefty works or really much that makes me think. I go for entertainment. Occasionally, I find something that makes me go "hrmmm...".

My arm is much better, thanks. I did try to amputate my thumb again last night. It's been years...since at least 1997. I did quite a poor job at it, thankfully. I'm getting soft in my old age.

Maybe typing on my blackberry while walking up the stairs isn't such a good idea

2009-08-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

The thought Debi had right before falling up the stairs

Yeah, I'm a moronic klutz. My hubby called while I was having lunch with Chris in a VERY noisy pancake house. When Chris dropped me off, I decided to call him back. Multi-tasker that I am, I didn't wait the 45 seconds to get to my desk. No, I started to type in my Blackberry password while walking up the stone stairs and apparently changing my sunglasses in for my regular ones (as evidenced by their position on the ground when I hit it). As I started to climb the stairs, I thought "You know, texting and walking up stairs could be bad." Sure enough, when I'm right? I'M RIGHT. I wasn't EXACTLY texting. I was trying to hit 6 little buttons in a row.

Anyway, I missed the top stair on the flight (as in I didn't realize I wasn't at the top) and there she goes. I only tripped UP the stairs, which is far better than the alternative, trust me. Stubbed my toe, tiny abrasion on my knee and hand, but I bent back my fingers on my right hand when I caught myself. And it all hurt VERY much.

A true and compassionate friend had this to say to me on IM:
Telling people you fell up a flight of stairs is pretty embarrassing, so when someone just asked me what happened to you, I told them you sprained your wrist while masturbating. You're welcome.

I spent a great deal of yesterday afternoon icing my hand, my forearm and my shoulder. I feel better now, so it's all good. But just so you know? I'm a klutz with very poor judgment.

Heavier than bad luck and twice as ugly

2009-08-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

I just finished this book. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it, but it was very well written. I just found out it won a Pulitzer and a few other prizes on the authors website. Cool.

It was a very unique book, told from several different points of view. The main character isn't just every-nerd, though every nerd out there could identify with him. It was about super-nerd. The guy that failed at everything that he thought was important to him. The stories of the Dominican Republic were vivid, and I found myself wincing at the violence of life there.

Worth reading and I'm glad I did. Perhaps I'll know later what I think...maybe the best books make you wonder about that for a while.

Narcokleptocracy

2009-08-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

In the Wikipedia entry on Kleptocracy

I am currently listening to The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and one of the main themes is the ruling of the Dominican Republic by Rafael Leonidas Trujillo Molina. Trujillo was the dictator (though not necessarily president) from 1930 - 1961. At one point, the author describes the regime as a kleptocracy.

Not entirely sure what that meant, I googled it on my crackberry. It took me to the wiki page referenced above. Basically, it's a pejorative term which refers to the rulers as "thieves". Embezzling from their people to fund their own lifestyles. Ok, make sense.

Then I scroll down and see the entry "Narcokleptocracy". At first, I think I misunderstood it to say "Necrokelptocracy" so I thought maybe it was the dead stealing from the public? Then I realized it was "Narco" and thought, um...they try to embezzle from the country and fall asleep?

No, it would seem that it was a phrase coined to describe Manuel Noriega, who was never reported to have suffered from narcolepsy. It means a government of thieves involved in drug trafficking.

Now, I have a bit of an issue with this. The narcotics trade may be a scourge and it may have its corruption, but it IS a trade. It's a business. It's not about stealing, it's about buying and selling a product. It's a complicated issue, but it's pretty classic supply/demand thing. So, my only point is that one can have a kleptocracy and one can have the narcotics trade, but they seem kind of complimentary, not really parts of the same political theory. That's all I'm saying.

For browsing, there is a lot of interesting reading on the Forms of Government of Wikipedia. It's a time suck if you like that sort of thing.

You want to touch these, too?

2009-07-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, let me set the scene by saying: Best Office Depot trip EVER. Intrigued? Read on!

To escape the heat I moseyed on down to University Village to wander into Starbucks. I managed to first wander into a couple of other stores, but made my way into Office Depot. Those of you from Seattle might wonder why I would go to University Village, an OUTDOOR SHOPPING CENTER, to escape the heat. I have no excuse except that I went to the mall yesterday and walked out with too many new shirts.

Anyway, I had been thinking about checking out the new "durable" Post-It tabs to see if they'd work better for my day planner. I use them a tabs on the edge, and the current flags I'm using are a bit torn up. The package was $7 for 66 of them, and I didn't want to pay that price only to find them not sturdy enough.

So, I moseyed up to find someone to help me. When I asked the nice guy (I think his name was Darrin) if they had any open so I could touch one of them, he said "Huh, look at that" while he opened the package. Satisfied that they'd work for my purposes, I wandered back to the display to see if I had the best colors possible. You know, the important decisions. The Office Depot brand had one more color in the package, more total tabs in the package, and cost half as much. So, I wandered up with my choice and wound up at Darrin's register. I asked if he thought these would stand up just as well, at which point he asked "Do you want to touch these, too?"

Honestly, best offer I had today. I've always wanted to have a tall, dark, handsome fellow inquire if I'd like to touch his post-its. I liked them and I bought them.

It’s a symphony of flavor, but I’m not sure which section is off key

2009-07-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

The team of Debi & Justin working on a description for Trader Joe's Pumpernickel Pretzel Sticks

I told my friend Scarlett to come to my blog for entertainment, so it's time to get back to entertaining.

After I found the Original Ream-n-Klean at a Walgreen's near me, I went to work. Then, Chris and I went to lunch next door to Trader Joe's. So, after lunch, I stopped in to see what I had to buy, and well? I had to buy these some pumpernickel pretzel sticks. Not only did I share pipe cleaners, I shared pretzels with those near and dear to me at work. I brought one to Justin because boss-man has been known to make his own chocolate-dipped pretzels and bring them to his ~~peons~~ folks.

So, I gave one to Justin, who looked at it suspiciously...they actually look like teeny tiny cigars, which lead to a bastardization of the Freud quote more than once. He tried it, and the look on his face made it obvious he did not approve of the pretzel. He said "It is a symphony of flavor..." then paused and continued with something that wasn't funny and I've thus stricken it from mind. So I added "...but you're not sure which section is off key?" That? That's humor ladies and gents. I'm full of humor, amongst other things.

The Original Ream-n-Klean

2009-07-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I usually have a cup of Starbucks Iced Tea nearby. Recently, they came out with the clear, insulated plastic cup in a 20 oz size. So, I use it.

The only downside to this setup is that tea tends to, um, clump in the straw and it can get a bit nasty after your 20th cup. So, I stopped by Walgreen's yesterday for some light bulbs and decided it was time to get some pipe cleaners. The only brand they had were Bryn Mawr Original Ream-N-Klean. No kidding? It Reams It Cleans It Scrubs AND It absorbs. Even though I have NO need for 90 of these little suckers, I decided that the BEST. PRODUCT. EVER. must be mine. So, I doled them out to people at work.

They feel as disturbing as they sound...it's like barbed wire with a little chenille in it. Very odd. But it did a good job getting the crud out of my straw, so mission accomplished with a smile on my face.

I have many peeves. I don't like to play favorites.

2009-07-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

Response to one of those silly Facebook questionnaires that asked me to name my pet peeve

I don't actually think I have that many "peeves". Most of the things that really annoy me are things I should have done but wasn't paying attention to. You know, ignoring the descending gas gauge until I HAVE to fill up my car on the way to work? Not looking at my list and thus not getting some staple like OIL that I should've gotten a week ago? My loving mutts hiding my sunglasses case under the couch because I didn't zip up my purse? Oh, even better. This morning? I left my purse on the roof of the car in front of the house.

There are things that piss me the f*ck off, but those are TYPICALLY not genericifiable (like that? I made that up). It's not really kind to say "So-and-so REALLY pisses me off" on the off-chance so-and-so will run across your blog and make life hell for someone you like.

This comment WAS plagiarized by a friend that did the questionnaire after me. She didn't change several answers, but damn it, this one is GOOD. Imitation...sincere flattery...blah blah blah. Have we met? I want the friggin' credit where it's due, man. ME. ME. ME.

Anyway, I think I just like to bitch and moan in general because it amuses me. Until the point where I start repeating myself (either in general subject or specifics), then Chris hears me say "Damn, I annoy the shit out of myself." Very diplomatically, he does not comment at these times. Just for that, lunch is on him tomorrow.

There's Not Enough Room in this World for my Pain...

2009-07-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

"Ghost" by the Indigo Girls
I admit it. I'm waxing a bit melancholic. This song has always referred to only one person for me, even though it's a somewhat universal lament for young love lost. It's also one of those songs you can play on the freeway with your windows rolled up...belting at the top of your lungs.

I've got a few songs that go along with this one. We've all got our "OH THE DRAMA" lists. Some of us have it in a playlist called "Oh the Drama". It's one of those small lists for me so far. It contains:

There are more, but I seem to be seem to have upwards of 12,000 mp3s, so it takes a while to find stuff AND remember to put it in the appropriate list.

Perhaps tomorrow, I'll pull out something poppy and summery.

Can I buy Europe on pump 4?

2009-07-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Glitch hits Visa users with $23 quadrillion charge

Go. Read this for yourself.

Did you go read it? What are you waiting for. I'll wait here.

Ok, good. I have some thoughts.

He racked up this total buying cigarettes. The surgeon general says they're bad for your heart...she just didn't think it would induce cardiac arrest with the price tag.
It's a freakin' pre-paid debit card. How much debt can you get into with a Pre. Paid. Debit. Card.
They kept him on hold for 2 hours and then graciously said they'd reverse the charge AND the overdraft fee? Mighty compassionate of them. Send them the rehabilitation bill.
How quickly do you think he smoked that really expensive pack of cigarettes waiting for Visa to screw with him?
What comes after the American Express Super Secret Uranium-238 Card? Wait, I know the answer to that one. It's The Plum Card. I know when I think about how to market to businesses in this adverse economic climate, my thoughts turn to fruit.

On the other hand, it's one way to pay back all that bail-out money we gave to the banks!

A transparent craving on the part of the authors to appear likable

2009-07-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

So the picture? From an icon of a commenter on Politico. When I image Googled "Transparent Craving", it was one of only 3 images that came up. And I like it.

So, in theory, this quote is from Loitering with Intent by Muriel Spark. The problem is that it was in the preface of another book that I didn't notate. I thought it was in An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England, but in the nifty little "Look Inside!" feature on Amazon, I don't see it. So, I can neither confirm nor deny with certainty it's origin.

Tangentially? I was really looking forward to The Arsonist's Guide... I know there are still people out there who refuse to leave a book unfinished. I am not one of them. If it hasn't caught me in the first 100 or so pages, I've got to be really bored to continue. I figure life is too damned short to read/watch/listen to crap. If my answer to "Do I give a rat's ass how this ends?" is anything other than "yes"...next! That book was like that. As the Bastard Neil would put it, a lot of navel gazing. Or maybe it was something about foot gazing, I'm not sure. You get the gist. Debi thought the book sucked ass. However, Loitering with Intent might be good.

The quote spoke to me. I guess I feel like I've always had a transparent craving to be liked...I suppose some folks will look at that and laugh, so perhaps it isn't SO transparent. I do so desperately want to be liked and always have. I suppose I've just come a bit more to terms with the fact that I'm an acquired taste with some HIGHLY annoying habits (even to myself). Doesn't mean I don't spend time in therapy over it, but this is Seattle. If you're not in therapy, you're weird. So next time you see me, make sure you tell me how likable I am. Not you, Mom. You're biased.

I blame Civilization

2009-07-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Mike and I have been on a game binge. For a few years now, we've been addicted to "casual games". Those are comparatively short games that you typically download from a site like Yahoo! Games or Shockwave. You may be insane about it for a few days, but it doesn't keep going. Unlike say, World of Warcraft, which I hear you can play for years.

We're on a GAME binge. It started when I bought The Sims 2. A couple of days later, it seemed only fair to find something for Mike. He'd tried a demo of Neverwinter Nights, so he picked that up. Mike sorta dropped games like that after Dungeon Siege (also known as Dungeon Crack) came between us once too often.

Anyway, I hated the Sims. There's no goal. It's your job to make these whiny little f*cks happy. I don't care about that in real life, why would I want to do it in a game. So, I went and picked up Civilization IV. And, I blame it for not being good about updating this blog.

I'm not used to being slow on the game uptake. I'm good at games like this. I think the issue with Civilization is that you need STRATEGY. Me? I'm a brilliant tactician, but strategy is beyond me. Give me a job to do, and I'm all over it. Make me think about the politics involved or worse yet, THE BIG PICTURE? No. I haven't made it all the way through a game yet. I understand why people get addicted to this game. It's amazingly complex and detailed. The AI is pretty impressive and there are a lot of folks that play online. But I don't think it's going to last much longer for me. Especially if I don't feel like I'm winning. I don't like to lose for the sake of a learning experience. I know you probably find that hard to believe and all.

The other thing I blame is not being at work enough. Honestly? I'm just not as witty when I don't interact with others. Mike and I are busy staring at our computers, and frankly, the dogs don't inspire too many funny comments.

But, I'm working on it. Don't stop reading. Those of you who still do.

The power of positive thinking…also known as denial

2009-07-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

John Henson on Wipeout

Mike is irrationally amused by this show. To the point that he convulses through most of it. It's essentially 24 goofy people taking on an impossible obstacle course for $50,000. The Japanese have been doing it for years. There are a lot of good shots of the human body in positions nature never intended in super slo-mo.

Mike wants to go on the course. There's not much chance to go on the show since you (1)have to live in California and (2)must be able to at least FAKE outgoing.

Fascism by proxy

2009-07-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

David Sullivan characterizing his homeowner's association

Itty Bitty Crazy should be yippy skippy over the fact that I have ALREADY queued up tomorrow's post. I could still be sitting here trying to figure out Civilization IV which may, in fact, be too complex for me to wanna waste my free time on.

So, David's homeowner's association doesn't seem to like bird feeders. Bird feeders, people. So, when David (who is obviously a subversive) hung one on his deck? They. Took. Action. Like all dictators, they reported it to the management company so that their hands would not be dirtied.

Bird Feeders? Where I come from, homeowner's associations exist to make sure you don't park that 1962 30' camper in your driveway and mow your lawn occasionally. I've HEARD that they care what color you paint your house, but face it, most people that live in a covenant community aren't creative enough to paint outside the lines...at least where I'm from. A friggin' bird feeder, people? Unless it has neon lights and plays Boom Boom in the middle of the night, what's the problem???

Go go gadget webcrawler!

2009-06-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

Coworker "marveling" at the speed at which I reported on Michael Jackson

So, you might have heard that TMZ.com was the first to report the news that Jacko has shuffled off the mortal coil. It was fascinating to me to watch how the news spread around various news sources. I heard the news while flipping through the TV channels while the dogs were outside. E! broke into some show I was momentarily engrossed in (I think it was 1001 Biggest Celebrity Divorces or some other such dreck that you can watch for 2 minutes at a time) to say that Jacko was dead. Huh...I toddled over to the "Real News" stations and they had started to report he was in the hospital.

Back upstairs to my computer to see what I can find. Indeed TMZ is reporting the death, but no one else is saying anything except that he's been rushed to the hospital. Over the next hour, I watched as MSN, CNN, Yahoo! News, TMZ, the Drudge Report, E!Online and finally the LA Times reported the news. For a few minutes, Yahoo! had a headline saying MJ was dead, and then in the article quoted TMZ as reporting it.

It was REALLY weird to see which sites updated every 2-3 minutes and how. When the LA Times called it, all the stations started reporting it as more of a fact. Meanwhile, I was engaged on IM with my friend who gave me the title of this post. Did TMZ actually know that MJ had died or were they taking a pretty even bet that they'd get all sorts of kudos for being right? Later that day, reports were surfacing about Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford being dead...what's news these days?

I'm glad that over the weekend I renewed my acquaintance with the pre-severely effed up Michael Jackson. The one that was a unassailable genius. I never really realized he was the first black artist on MTV. You know, the channel he helped DEFINE? I had no idea that getting him on there was a struggle. All jokes aside, it would have never occurred to me that Michael Jackson was "black" in that sense...I thought he was MTV as much as Duran Duran, Madonna and The Police.

Anyway, food for thought. As tiring as I think the coverage of the death is, I really am looking at it from a cultural perspective. It's not Princess Diana's death, it's not Elvis or John Lennon dying. Is that good? Bad? Who knows.

The King is dead. Long live the King.

2009-06-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, 1958 - 2009

"First Vincent Price and then Michael Jackson! How many MORE people involved in the Thriller video need to die before you realize it's cursed?!?"
Comment made by Debi. She's seeking professional help

Well, unless you're dead, you know both who Michael Jackson is and that he is dead. And within 5 minutes of CNN confirming the news that he was dead, Larry King had Celine Dion, Smokey Robinson and Cher lined up to talk about it LIVE. Wow, when I think of people that can and should speak to Michael's career, those are the top three on MY list...of "WTF would THEY know?" celebrities.

Michael Jackson was an integral part of the most embarrassing moment of my teenage years (ok, maybe second most, but no one knew about the first). When my sociopathic stepfather came to pick me up one day from school when I was sick, he had to drive around by the sports fields to load my bicycle into our gold Pontiac J2000 wagon. No biggie right? Except for the part where it's the middle of a class period and approximately 1/6 of the school is out on said sports fields. So? Oh, did I mention that he was playing Thriller (the song, not the album) at top volume? And singing along? So that you could have heard him from the next street? Yeah, REAL cool. I remember him wearing a polyester shirt, too, but that could just be embellishment of the story.

Mike and I were talking about it, and his comment was that he feels bad that anyone dies, but MJ's passing doesn't bother him. And I said (without thinking, per usual) that he'd already done everything except continue to embarrass the world. Perhaps unfair, but the dude's life was seriously effed up.

I doubt I'll miss him. I'm certain to be annoyed by the outpouring of grief. I do recognize him for the true and utter genius he was, but the world has been missing that part of Michael Jackson for many, many years.

I've always wanted to be a euphemism

2009-06-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

Comment to Chris after becoming aware of my IM classification

For those of you who live your life on IM, you might know that you can put together groups. Personally, I have a "main" group that lives at the top of both of my programs, and then I have various groups below based on how important it is to see you without scrolling. I only have two groups in my personal IM, but seven or eight in my work IM.

Chris doesn't close his IM window when no one is talking. Weird to me, because I ALWAYS want things to GO AWAY off my desktop. Anyway, I walked up yesterday, and I was in a window called "Euphemism". So I excitedly said "I'm a euphemism?" only to be told I'm one of many. But still, it's better than being a dysphemism...on second thought, maybe it's not.

Good News! They broke out the bagpipe music!

2009-06-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

We live in a boring middle-class (for Seattle) neighborhood. Aside from the insanity during the snow storm when we had prowlers, a burglary, and an elderly gentleman whacking off in someone's driveway, it's pretty quiet.

Sunday afternoon, there was a BBQ somewhere down the hill behind our house. Aside from the fact that I've been feeling quite poorly and wanted to nap, it was no big deal. I closed the windows and turned on the fan and napped quite nicely.

Seeing as the party had been going strong when we got home around 3:30, and this being the aforementioned boring neighborhood, it never occurred to us that it would be bigger and better as the (Sunday) evening progressed. Gosh, was I pleasantly surprised.

As I'm getting ready to head to bed around 9:30, I mention to Mike that the party is getting louder. It actually sounds like they're starting the keg stand portion of the evening. I'm puttering around the bedroom putting up clean clothes, playing with the insane dogs. Ten minutes later, I kid you not, the bagpipe music started up. It was obviously not live and it was VERY loud.

Now that I think about it, perhaps a neighbor put that on. The party got quieter after that, and while they impressively went until at least 11:30, it wasn't too bad.

But most of all, this story allowed me to Google for "bagpipes". And this is the picture it gave me on the first page. I've never been so, um, hrm. It's like Mel Gibson got drunk and decided to play the bagpipes. And the drummer? Mesmerizing. Google is the BEST. TOY. EVER!

This is the thing about power...

2009-06-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

Right around Memorial Day, someone posted some "information" to a mailing list I belong to. I don't remember the exact content, but it was something meant to illustrate how pointlessly our government is spending the lives of our military personnel. This hit a nerve with many people on the list. To me, and others, it felt disrespectful. It could have been posted on any day that wasn't dedicated to those who have laid down their lives so that we have the luxury of being disrespectful.

I dislike the conflicts we are in as much as any bleeding heart liberal. I think we are in them for the wrong reasons. I think that as a country and a species, we refuse to look backwards to learn any lessons. I think that the elite always make the decision to go to war and the expendables in society fight them. Sometimes the elite join in the battle, but the rules are always different for them.

During the ensuing email discussion, the original poster brought up how our government got into the war in Iraq being all about politics...as if there has ever been a war that was NOT about politics. I don't care why you're going to war...land, religion, genocide...whether you're pro- or con-, it's political. That's not good, bad or indifferent in my book. Life is politics, but "politics" has taken on a nasty meaning.

Right after this, I came across this passage, and it was the most eloquent statement of my views I've seen.

I think I believe in evil, but I'm not sure I believe people are evil. Those that knew or knew of my ex-stepfather can probably attest that I've lived with evil. But is the person evil, or just the deeds? I don't know the answer to that, but even if people can be evil, I don't think there are very many of them. I think most everyone does what they believe is the right thing. They may qualify as lunatics or assholes or idiots or angels depending on who you ask...but they believe they're fighting the good fight. Anyway, I wanted to share.

The sound of music confuses you

2009-06-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

NCIS

I don't remember who said this to Tony, but it was probably Kate. Mike says we can't re-watch all of NCIS for at least two years. Unfair.

Put down the rose-colored crack pipe

2009-06-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

I must start using this phrase. I think I shall use it on my boss tomorrow. For no particular reason.

If I still have anyone reading, I'm TRYING to keep up. I have no excuse except being a slacker.

I've found exactly two things: Jack and Shit

2009-06-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

I finished this book, and there are still a couple of quotes coming. I was really intrigued and a little moved by this book. Of course, it's hard to completely sell me on a book if you can't use at least ONE quote for a screen name. But, you'll read it if you like and won't if you don't. I've given up on trying to get people to read things I like.

Friends don't let friends drive bulldozers ripped on acid

2009-05-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

Source: Bumper sticker spied last week

I am not getting old. I've always been blind as a bat...or I've been headed this way progressively since around 1984. It probably started before that, but that's when I got glasses. My doctor used to tease me about being an overachiever in the blindness category...except I've got EXCELLENT vision compared to the momster. I also have some semblance of depth perception, but only compared to her. It scares everyone else.

Anyway, the reason I say this is that I HATE tiny writing on bumper stickers. I love bumper stickers. They're often witty and make me smile. But if you care enough to put them on your car, make them big enough for people to read.

Here's what happens, for instance, when you put this cute one on the back of your white Ford Explorer. I spy it, then get engrossed in trying to read what it says (because upon first reading, I MUST have gotten it wrong, right?). So I get a little closer and a little closer. Next thing you know, you think I'm trying to cut you off while we're merging and your passenger extends his much-tattooed arm out the adjoining window and gives me the one fingered salute.

Now, I'm sure I must have been given the bird at SOME point in the 15 1/2 years I've lived in this fair city. Or more precisely, I must have been given it while driving by someone I don't know. But I'll be darned if I remember it. It was quite shocking. I found myself wanting to catch up with them and apologize and compliment them on the bumper sticker. WTF? Since when does this nice Southern Belle not respond in kind to such a rude gesture???

All I'm saying is that it's not me. It's you.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

2009-05-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Cool Hand Luke

I have a secret shame. I don't like classic movies. You know, the ones you're supposed to have seen because they're cultural touchstones? Too often, by the time you sit down to see them 30 years after they've been released, you already know pretty much everything you need to know about the movie. Deliverance? Well, I already knew Ned Beatty needed to squeal like a pig. Soylent Green? Yeah, it's people. Midnight Cowboy? Sorry, still don't know what the point of that was...the list goes on. Screwball comedies? Bring 'em on. Musicals? Hell ya! ANYTHING with Cary Grant with maybe one or two exceptions is on my watch list. "Culturally Significant" stuff? Not so much.

However, we watched the original of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Mike had rented the new Keanu Reeves version and wanted to see the original. Strangely, I found it unopened downstairs, so we watched. It wasn't bad, but it made me want to see more Patricia Neal. She was in Hud which I put on hold at the library and it occurred to me I'd never seen any of Paul Newman's stuff. Ok, I saw Butch Cassidy when it came out (I think I was 4) and I saw Cars, which doesn't count.

Anyway, I put a few things on hold at the library, and we watched Cool Hand Luke tonight. It wasn't a fast paced movie...it was kind of languid and a little subtle. The breaking of Luke reminded me a lot of Jack Nicholson's character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Ok, so that movie didn't suck, but it wasn't as good as the book. This one may or may not be worth watching for you. George Kennedy won an Oscar, and that worked for me.

I'm glad I saw it. I'm not sure I'll love the other stuff I've got coming from the library, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Got anything I should see?

Isn’t it better to think nothing than to think something that’s completely idiotic?

2009-05-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin

For those of you who DON'T (are there any of you?), I've been a royal watcher since Diana and Charles got engaged. We won't even talk about the fact that all I wanted for prezzies for years were books about Diana. Or the plates. The boxes of plates that haven't been on my wall since we left our apartment 6 1/2 years ago. The plates I thought would only go up in value. No, not those Franklin Mint things...commemorative plates from England...weddings, births, anniversaries. The plate that "celebrated" Diana losing her HRH title. I've got some good stuff. I've got some REAL crap, too. Most of which is worth $.99 on eBay. Eh, I'll sell it off soon anyway. I've been saying THAT for a few years now.

Anyway, this is sort of a satire based on Charles and Diana, much in the vein of The Queen and I by Sue Townsend. I recommend ANYTHING by her. The couple is cast out of England and sent to reconquer the colonies.

I have to say, it DRAGS. It's 24 hours on disc and I'm less than half way through it. It took a quarter of the book for them to be expelled from England. But it's very funny in places and I like the story.

You wouldn't believe how much pent up rage the average Britney Spears fan has

2009-05-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

Interesting books, HILARIOUS one-liners. What happens when 5 normal college students wake up one morning with super powers? Most people's automatic reaction is "Cool!" This explores the idea that, well...not necessarily so cool. I'm about half way through the book, so I'll report later.

Damned Little White Pill

2009-05-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

I take between 30 and 40 pills a day. Almost entirely supplements because of the reconfiguration of my gastrointestinal system a few years back. I put them all in a pill case so I can take them in the morning and the evening. The number of pills fluctuates based on dosages and prescriptions and whether or not I remembered to pick up Red Rice Yeast when it emptied.

Anyway, there's always an escapee. I take the 10 - 15 pills, toss them in my upturned mouth, and chase it down with the closest liquid. At least 2 out 3 handfuls has an escapee. If I'm lucky, it just heads for my shirt and gets lodged between...well it gets lodged, but it's easy to retrieve. But usually, it bounces off some part of my body and hits the floor. And I mean bounces.

It used to be one of the little green iron pills. Mike would find them any time he swept or vacuumed. Now, it's the little white pills. I was taking 4 each morning (two different prescriptions) and there were ALWAYS white pills hiding on the floor. Now, I'm down to one little white pill, but that's still the one that manages to escape. I can get down on my stomach and still not see it. I'm blind as a bat.

Strangely, pills are the only thing that the dogs don't seek and consume, which is awfully convenient given that I'd rather Lily chew on my cell phone case than one of my pills.

I will survive if only out of spite

2009-05-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

So by my count, I've been sick 4 of the last 5 weeks. 3 of the last 5 weeks, I have not been at work I have been so sick. I wouldn't actually bother whining about this latest one but for 2 things.

1. I'd already been sick for 3 weeks and "well" for about one. That wasn't just ANY illness, that was bronchitis. I'm pretty sure my one and hopefully only kidney infection was more pleasant that bronchitis. It took me two weeks to feel well enough to wish for death. But I digress

2. This was a freakin' cold. A cold that laid me out for 6 days, and 8 days later still has my throat uncomfortable.Has ANYONE seen my immune system? I'd like to bring it home and nurse it back to health. I have visions of it turning tricks on Aurora to get enough money for it's next hit of crack. I won't even do the Jewish mother thing of "do you KNOW how worried I've been?"

So, I apologize for my absence. When I have been working, I've been uninspired at best. I'm uninspired today, but that has to do with being up since 5 a.m. And Bert, I can't even blame you, which has me VERY cross.

I rarely find motive in bird vomit

2009-05-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

Jack Hodgins on Bones

I like Bones. A lot. I didn't want to. Another thing I blame for which I blame my husband. The last few episodes have been getting funnier and funnier. This made me laugh, so I share.

I also share because I'm sick again and I'm not feeling particularly creative. Hopefully, it's a 48 hour bug. I'll get back with you.