Friday, April 22, 2011

I'd Rather Stab Myself in the Eye Than Have a Meaningful Conversation

It's Passover. It's that time of year where Jews of all levels of observance and knowledge and such gather to recount the story of how Pharoh was a dumba** and tangled with the Jews. To summarize: "They tried to kill us, the failed, let's eat." Of course, that's a simplification, but it's the basic theme to all Jewish Holidays except Yom Kippur...which is better summarized in "We suck, we don't deserve to live, and see, we're not eating to prove it."

We spent the first seder with my gay boyfriends. They're overachievers when it comes to...well everything to be honest. This is the email that hubby and I got a few days before:
    But we ARE asking people to bring a small item to add to the second seder plate. Last year <insert name of gay boyfriend here> added a spool of thread which lead to a lot of discussion...I think you get the picture. One per family should provide plenty of questions and discussions.
Yeah. Here's the thing. By the time you get to dinner (which is where we did this), there's already been a LOT of discussion. Some seders more than others, but this was a "some seder", not an "other". First, there's the whole story of Pharoh and oppression and plagues and such. Then add lots of knowledgable Jews who want to tell about something they read or something they wondered or sing a new tune. We Jews? We interpret. We never take ANYTHING at face value. We argue across the centuries. We sieze upon inconsistencies and come up with all kinds of reasons they could be there. So, there's LOTS of discussion by the time we get to FOOD.

I knew this was coming. And the Heckler-in-Chief was READY. I'm not a "The Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss." type of girl. Ok, I'm THAT type of girl, but "Tell us about your personal Exodus from Egypt" is not my gig. So, I brought my husband's LEAST favorite part of Passover, THE MATZAH MAN. I love a lot about Passover, but I perhaps love The Matzoh Man best. He does a little dance. And I do it with him. Every time.

So, Matzoh Man joined us at the seder and took up a lot of room on the discussion plate. The person who took it upon herself to start the discussions wanted to know why he was there. And I replied the above. Much laughter ensued. Come on, at least half the room was thinking the SAME thing.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Doesn't turning 40 involve being "grown-up"?

It's true. I'm 40. Well, at this point, I will be tomorrow. But I'm sure the earth has wobbled enough in my lifetime to make the distinction somewhat moot.

How did this happen? I'm not particularly dismayed about the event, but it just doesn't seem real. In school, 40 is inconceivable. Hell, 40 is how old your TEACHERS are, and getting that old just isn't on the to-do list. I don't remember there being much of a conceptual difference between 40 and 60.

Honestly? Those born during my second semester of college? Apparently it's legal for them to consume alcoholic beverages. In the United States. Nope, not making that up.

And of course, there are those I went to school with who now have grandchildren. And I'm still sitting here trying to have CHILDREN? Mother Nature is having a rollicking laugh over that absurdity.

I admit that I started feeling a LITTLE grown up when we bought our house. That seems to have faded. Perhaps it’s just that being $400,000 in debt is even harder to grasp than being 40? I don't seem to be any more "responsible" than I was before we bought it. Of course nothing has gone PROFOUNDLY wrong with the house yet, so perhaps it's just a matter of time?

So am I just perpetually immature? What does grown up feel like? Does ANYONE I know have any experience with it???

Friday, April 08, 2011

When Did Barry Manilow Turn into Liza Minelli?

Today, I'm in a Barry mood. It's been a while, but I've been on an occasional melancholy jag, so it seemed appropriate. At some point, boyfriend started looking like Liza Minelli. Seriously. In fact, these days, he looks more like Liza than Liza. I mean, LOOK AT THIS.

How many incredibly crap plastic surgeons ARE there in Hollywood?

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I've had rocks in my shoes that are both smarter and less painful than you

As an IT professional, I came to understand LONG ago that users aren't NECESSARILY stupid. I try to assume that users are intelligent people who are good at their jobs and they just want the technology that is supposed to make their lives easier to WORK. Just because I spend my day living and breathing a piece of software doesn't mean that most other folks do, and so they just don't know.

But sometimes? There are morons. Aggressively, and possibly intentionally, stupid people that will not learn. No matter how many times you hold their hand. No matter how often you show them the helpful documenation that has both a short form and a screen shots. THAT SHOW EVERY BUTTON YOU NEED TO PUSH IN ORDER TO DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.

In some cases, if they seem dense enough, those around them decide it's easier just to do it for the morong rather than have to deal with the moron being aggressively stupid.

Even worse? Occasionally, BIGGER morons show up. They make the original moron look smart and easy to deal with. Which is painful, because you KNOW how stupid the original moron is.

I often compare them to the average box of rocks or the average box of hair. But sometimes? Hair is just more intelligent.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Honey, I'm a Shoe Whore. I may not sleep around, but I see LOTS of other shoes

Comment to Mike after bringing home more new shoes

I'm unapologetic. I love my shoes. I love my cute shoes. I've had foot problems for the last year or so, so I haven't been able to wear what's in my collection, nor have I felt much like acquiring anything new.

Well, the foot is better. It's not great, but it's good enough. And I've got new shoes I don't even have clothes to match. So, I'm buying myself new clothes, too. If ONLY Mike's operating principle wasn't "When we run out of money, you'll stop buying shoes."