
Through the weeks that followed, it was never mentioned, but I can't help but think that it was the point of no return. There was an intermittent and very confusing shit storm that I still don't understand. I kept trying to make a case for myself, but given that I don't know what was actually being held against me? That I don't actually know what we were arguing about? Who knows? We were in different places in the relationship. It happens. But I did come to a very important realization. It took a very defensive form, but it's the most positive thing I have ever said.
You know what? I love being me. I'm a metric shit ton of fun. Some of the most amazing folks on earth consider themselves lucky to have me in their lives...And after 44 years, I'm not even a little afraid of them figuring out they’re wrong, because they're just as lucky as I am.
And it's true. I don't know when it happened. I don't know
when I realized that I didn't have to earn ANYONE'S love or presence. I don't
know when I started believing that people are lucky to have me around. I know
there are people that have been trying to convince me of this for 20 or 30
years...at least one is a teeny bit miffed that I never took HIS word for it.
It's not perfect knowledge. I still beat myself up for
"ruining" things with someone I genuinely miss. And I've got a
laundry list of my faults. I trust too easily. I think and talk almost
simultaneously, and boy do I say the WRONG thing sometimes. My heart always
overrules my head. I'm impulsive. I put the feelings of others first sometimes
and others seem not to even notice them. But when I stop and I think (not an easy thing
in this head)? It's a pretty great package and that’s an amazing realization.