Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My butt just hung up on you

Source: T-Mobile Commercial

We never watch commercials. The miracle of TIVO, you can always push right through them. For whatever reason, we watched a few tonight. And this one came on about "Butt-dialing". When you can, take a look.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Teen mother speaks out against teen pregnancy

I was skimming through Yahoo! News earlier today (at least I think it was earlier today) and something caught my eye about Bristol Palin (daughter of Caribou Barbie and Republican unwed mother) speaking out against teen pregnancy. It's not actually easy to find, but I guess she talked to Fox News. Basically, the news outlets reported that she said teen motherhood isn't glamorous, everyone should wait 10 years, and that while everyone should be abstinent it isn't realistic.

So I had this whole rant planned about there being better ways than abstinence, and I'll get to that in just a moment. But before that starts, I'd like to point you to an opinion piece by Maggie Gallagher entitled BRISTOL PALIN SPEAKS which brings into sharp focus the fact that Bristol Palin interviews about as well as her mom.

Anyway, I think there are FAR better ways to curb the teen pregnancy rate than abstinence, which does not now and never has worked. And I'm not talking about pesky birth control. Come on, folks. We were all there. We all had those hormones. We were all WAY TOO FREAKING EMBARRASSED to deal with a CONDOM. No, I've got some better ideas. Time tested ideas. Maybe a bit old-fashioned, but what we're doing ain't working.

1. Marry 'em off as soon as they are of "child bearing age". Now, this could raise some debate. Are they of child bearing age as soon as they menstruate or do they need to grow boobs or what? But really...get 'em off the family teat early. None of this spending good money to send the ungrateful little things to college. Buy that RV NOW not in 20 years.

2. Shotgun weddings. What ever happened to these? You got a girl pregnant, you married her. You do the crime you do the time.

3. Shame. Good old fashion shame. You get pregnant and you can't get the guy to marry you? Or you don't WANT to marry him? Or you don't know WHICH guy it is? You don't KEEP the baby. You go off to your Aunt Sally's, have the baby, and give it up for adoption. A nice couple in Iowa can't get pregnant.

Oh, I know, this will lower our children's self-esteem, set our society back...blah, blah, blah. I don't know about you, but I didn't meet self esteem until my mid-30s. Our society? Yeah, doing great. It puts all the onus on the women? Um, too late.

Anyway, abstinence never worked. Sex is too much fun. Somehow, THAT part of the abstinence speech always gets left out. While it CAN be a spiritual, moving, special experience between two committed loving adults, I think a lot of us can ALSO attest that it can be casual and fun and feel good to boot. I don't pretend to have the answers, but I know that I'm here because abstinence didn't work out. And, in the words of Maggie Gallagher "Is it really wise for an entire society to adopt the point of view of the average inarticulate 18-year-old kid?"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

There are whole reservoirs of boring you’ve yet to plumb

Source: Leverage

I made Mike rewind this scene three times so I could write it down. Really, it's a tribute to the idea that there is nothing you can't accomplish if you REALLY put your mind to it.

And Dana? I've looked at People in the waiting rooms. Nah, doesn't do it for me anymore. Sadly, I think I'm cured.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Fathers all over the planet generally tend to maintain a substantial distance between their offspring and their erections

Source: Everything Changes by Johnathon Tropper

I couldn't use this as a screen name because it is entirely too long, but it deserves a spot here.

You know the protagonist's father is a serious character when his first appearance is at his son's door with a woody. And you feel for said protagonist. Because frankly, there are few things on earth I can imagine than a familial erection. And this is coming from a girl with a nudist grandfather who as he aged cared less an less about who saw his shrively bits.

Aforementioned erection is an ongoing theme in the book. It was a pretty good book. But not because of the paternal erection.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Peat moss is the new fun fur

Source: Kirsten on the mess that is the photo to the left

Regardless of Neil's belief in my claims, I climbed off the crazy train that is celebrity addiction on the day that Heath Ledger died. Not because Heath Ledger died, but because that was the day that Paris Hilton defended Britney's parenting skills. My head exploded and as a result, I no longer troll the gossip pages. I very seldom take a look at the who wore what and how bad was it sites. Hell, aside from Twilight, I barely know what's playing unless we've seen a preview on a DVD.

So, I don't know how I came across this calamity, but as Debo would say? DAYUM. DOUBLE DAYUM with a side of um? Huh???

Madonna? Love her, hate her, she's her own bird. She's got inner thighs you can put an eye out with. She's got more money than Saudi Arabia. She took on PepsiCo and didn't come away with major scalp burns. But here is my take on this photo AND what I said when I sent the picture to an email list:
    Subject: Holy Mary Mother of God...Um, Erm, Madonna...
    OH MY F***ING GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WOMAN??? Does Divorce #2 really have you drinking THAT much???
    What is that, fishnets with a hula skirt for a shirt? What??
    Seriously, what?

If only all celebrity drivel were this funny, perhaps I'd re-up my addiction. Sorry you asked for non-Big Bang material, Dana?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

If you’re ever short, there’s always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern’s ass

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon's not using his money, so he lends it to Penny. My guilt ensues. Penny hands it back to Sheldon who goes to put it back in his secret "Can o' Nuts" with the snakes. Money comes flying out in front of all roommates. Sheldon announces that all money has been moved from previous spot. Of course, Leonard reveals the super secret "back-up" location as soon as Sheldon leaves the room. Sheldon, you're so damned clueless. Of course, Sheldon pays Leonard back a few episodes later by convincing Leonard's mom do Karaoke. AHHHHHHHH!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I love Jesus but I drink a little

Gladys Hardy on the Ellen Degeneres Show

Rachel put this up on her Facebook page and it is just another example of how much she rocks. I'm sure I'm the last person to see this, but damn I almost peed. I'm pretty sure Ellen almost peed. Apparently, Gladys is now a regular on Ellen, but I'm sure she's never been as funny.

Monday, February 09, 2009

This isn't exactly the center of sane

Diesel in Plum Spooky by Janet Evanovich

The last Stephanie Plum book left an AWFUL lot to be desired. This one? It's back to pretty darned good stuff. It features a damned smart monkey who refuses to relieve himself anywhere but a toilet and mostly gives people the finger. And this great one liner which you can use for home OR office.

I'm not crapping in a bowl until you admit it was a pimple!

Source:Joshua Malina on recent episode of Grey's Anatomy

So before I get to that, this picture is from one of the finest movie scenes of all time, from that fine college classic, Animal House. After grabbing about 3 times what can fit on his tray in the cafeteria line, Bluto, played by the BRILLIANT John Belushi, sits down and asks the fine women his fraternity brothers are trying to hit on to guess what he is imitating. As he places an entire egg in his mouth, punches his cheeks spewing every where, he says "A zit. Get it? I'm a zit." A food fight ensues. Good times.

Anyway, on Grey's, Josh Malina's hypochondriac wife apparently killed every good and bad bacterium in her body by taking high powered antibiotics procured from the web for a "staph infection" that was diagnosed by her dermatologist as a pimple. Now, she's got to have a fecal transplant. That's right, ladies and gents...they didn't make that shit up. Har har har. To force his wife to admit she's a hypochondriac, he refuses to give up his feces with this line as he storms out of the room.

Thursday, February 05, 2009 friends don't care how fascinating I think I am?

Comment on a Gawker article

If you hang out on Facebook at all, you've certainly seen the "25 Random Things" thread that went around. Lots of people did it. Steven passed it to me. On it went. Basically, you just typed 25 random facts about yourself and passed it on. Self-absorbtion? I dunno. If I'd had to pare down my list of 100 "fascinating" trivia to JUST 25, perhaps you could say so, but I did have a bit of trouble coming up with 25. Toward the end, I came up with a few that went together and had to edit.

Hell, it wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of being more interested in myself than those around me. It only just occurred to me that I'm more interested in my own entertainment than anyone else, so perhaps it follows.

Anyway, I like it when people find me fascinating. I love it when I make people laugh. I love it when I make people think. It's by far not my only interest and I do bore even myself from time to time. I like it just as much when people do the same for me.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

You're not qualified to do nothing

We had our "Winter Celebration" lunch at work yesterday which was really our Christmas lunch that had to be rescheduled due to the 14 feet of snow that Seattle got in December. There was a conversation about who had seen the founder of the company at what conference and Murray started talking about this interesting guy he'd run into who apparently runs an ED in the UK, but has a lot of minions and does a whole lot of nothing all day. Eric started riffing on wanting that job and I just pointed out that he's not qualified to do nothing on the principle that you have to have done SOMETHING for a long time to eventually work yourself out of a job at a high salary. Or, you just have to be really lucky. Eric? Not so much, dude.

Monday, February 02, 2009

What is the Time Zone for Mars?

So, we asked one small set of tasks of the new users at go-live. They needed to login to the system and in their user preferences they needed to do three things. First, change their password. Second, add their email address. Finally, set their time zone.

At 10:20 a.m. I got an instant message. It said "how do we know which one of these time zones we should pick"? Yes, absorb that.

One of my launch team members said "oh god, tell them to turn the computer off an go home for the day". When I mentioned it to my boss, this was his reply.


The project that has consumed any life not consumed by the dogs went live today. I worked about 70 hours last week to make it happen (procrastination anyone?), but it went live. AND, when asked why something was happening, I said this:
Because G-d hates you. You want the pope dead. Siebel is his instrument of punishment on earth. And I get to help.
Any go-live where you get to say that? Is a good go-live!