Sunday, February 07, 2016

I Love Being Me

I screwed up a newish relationship recently. Not all by myself, but one night I said THE WRONG THING. Something you can't take back. Something that makes even DEBI'S best friend say "You said WHAT? WHY would you say THAT?!?" It made sense at the time. My perception was WAY off which led to a bad assumption. When I realized the enormity of my mistake, I apologized with all the sincerity I possess. But, you can't unsay something.

Through the weeks that followed, it was never mentioned, but I can't help but think that it was the point of no return. There was an intermittent and very confusing shit storm that I still don't understand. I kept trying to make a case for myself, but given that I don't know what was actually being held against me? That I don't actually know what we were arguing about? Who knows? We were in different places in the relationship. It happens. But I did come to a very important realization. It took a very defensive form, but it's the most positive thing I have ever said.
You know what? I love being me. I'm a metric shit ton of fun. Some of the most amazing folks on earth consider themselves lucky to have me in their lives...And after 44 years, I'm not even a little afraid of them figuring out they’re wrong, because they're just as lucky as I am.
And it's true. I don't know when it happened. I don't know when I realized that I didn't have to earn ANYONE'S love or presence. I don't know when I started believing that people are lucky to have me around. I know there are people that have been trying to convince me of this for 20 or 30 least one is a teeny bit miffed that I never took HIS word for it.  

It's not perfect knowledge. I still beat myself up for "ruining" things with someone I genuinely miss. And I've got a laundry list of my faults. I trust too easily. I think and talk almost simultaneously, and boy do I say the WRONG thing sometimes. My heart always overrules my head. I'm impulsive. I put the feelings of others first sometimes and others seem not to even notice them.  But when I stop and I think (not an easy thing in this head)? It's a pretty great package and that’s an amazing realization.