Sunday, June 29, 2008

My principles hurt when I move

Daddy's Girl, Lisa Scottoline

Past life regression

A freight train packed with asthmatic warthogs.
Source: Chris describing his wife’s flu-induced snoring

Don't Buy Fisher-Price
Source: Chris suggesting an alternative to “Stay off the Bridges”
This was right after the bridge in Minneapolis collapsed and we found out that all the toys have lead in them. You know, all the toys we grew up with had lead in them, and we turned out ok. Didn't we?

I don’t spend a lot of time fondling chickens
Source: Mike after seeing a very unlifelike “lifelike” rubber chicken
Apparently, his wife saying "Feel this, it feels fake" isn't enough inducement for him to try.

Where have all the Yugos gone?
Source: Inspiration from conversation with the Bastard Neil

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath

Source: Leonard on The Big Bang Theory
Very funny show if you've ever known anyone at an engineering school. And even if you haven't. You just might have dated one of the characters if you did. Theoretically.

Pretzels bad...torture GUD!

This will make the most sense if you have seen the Metallica vs. Napster video from May, 2000. It's not really work-safe, not that most of us haven't watched many things exactly like it at work.

Anyway, we were having a mostly serious discussion about who our current President hired on the advice of his father. Cheney for instance. I think I popped up with some comment about "If his dad could have only warned him about pretzels." Mike did the most AMAZING James Hetfield impression busting out with "Pretzels BAD. Torture GUD!" I laughed so hard, I got up from the table, stumbled into another room, and fell onto the couch in hysterics. My mother pulled a golden oldie out and just pointed at me and said...well, I'll save that for tomorrow now that I think of it.

Welcome back to Cannoli the Barbarian, fond grandmaternal memories to the Massucco clan, and Mazal Tov to the new Mrs. and Mr. Apostol.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Gee, he was just here a minute ago. That's the way I want to be remembered.

George Carlin, 1937 - 2008, quote from a 1997 radio interview

In this radio interview (that I can't get a link to, but it's a 1997 AP interview), he said "there's very little cringing" when listens to his old stuff because he thinks he did a good job. Man.

In my favorite bit where he explains where there are only three sports: football, basketball and baseball, he has a line: "Gynastics is not a sport because the Romanians are good at it! It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it."

George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" went all the way to the Supreme Court, and was tapped a week ago by the Kennedy Center to receive this year's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor...after folks like Neil Simon and Bob Newhart. The Kennedy Center calling is probably what made his heart finally give out.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Then you'll have to eat your lunch all by yourself...

Source: Already Gone, The Eagles
Ok, this Eagles lyric belongs in my Top 10. For whatever it's worth, the context being: "I've got some news for you, and you'll soon find out it's true. And then you'll have to eat your lunch all by yourself." It's crazy, but I LOVE IT. I never eat lunch with my husband (who I assume would be a problem if he were already gone). I eat more often with Chris. Ok, so if he were already gone, I'd be very sad.

John and Denise are getting married on Saturday, and I'm going out with his mom and sisters tonight. I'm taking tomorrow off because his mom can party down. Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My obsessive fascination is in your imagination

Source: I Don't Want Your Love, Duran Duran
Huh, a music theme this week without me even planning it.

Ok, this lyric absolutely belongs in my top 10 of all time. Belle & Sebastian is not in the running for this honor, because I love so many of their lyrics. What gets stuck in my head usually random and it varies. Anyway, the Top 2 lyrics are by Jim Steinman, you know, the guy who wrote everything good Meat Loaf ever sang. Another in the top 10 is by him.

#1: I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights from Bat Out of Hell, Meatloaf

#2: There ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box...Two Outta Three Ain't Bad, Bat Out of Hell, Meatloaf

Others in the Top 10:

--Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler
Mercedes thinks this is a ridiculous lyric. I COULD be including this just because I sang it at karaoke this weekend. But I don't think so.

--The one at the top here...

I can't think of any others at the moment. But there you go. Mock me at will. You don't know any better.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?

Source: Piazza, New York Catcher, Belle & Sebastian
I LOVE Belle & Sebastian. Love, love, love, love, love. They have the best lyrics and some of the catchiest tunes out there. I love Meat Loaf and Lily Allen. But I love every album Belle & Sebastian has put out.

I saw them in concert on their last tour, and they are amazing musicians. In most bands, members will trade off one or two instruments of the same type...these 8-9 musicians rotated every instrument on the stage. Cello to drums to guitar to horns. It was the most amazing thing. They don't even attribute writing or musical credits on many of their albums.

Anyway, back in my youth, as many fag hags do, I fell in love with many a gay boy before I knew they were gay. Sometimes before they knew they were gay. I never fell in love with Mike Piazza. Or even really know who Mike Piazza is. But I like this song. And this line has been stuck in my head for a few hours. So there you go.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Don't save a prayer for me it til the morning after.

Source: Save a Prayer, Duran Duran
Every female who listened to the radio in the 80s knows Duran Duran. Ok, probably most of the males to, though I don't think most of them had a favorite member of the band. Mine? Ok, truthfully, hard pick between Roger Taylor and Nick Rhodes. Nick had MUCH better makeup. Duran Duran was part of what made MTV great. MTV was a lot of what Duran Duran great. Save a Prayer's video featured an elephant which peed on John Taylor, but that part didn't make it into the video.

I'm in the process of tagging and organizing all ~15,000 of our MP3s and listened to this yesterday. With an ear 26 years later, damn they were pretty good even if most of their songs sounded vaguely alike. And this one? Well, it's the morning after.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

It's nice out there, like summer in Scandinavia!

Source: Comment on Seattle's summer
I don't complain much about Seattle's weather. I can live with mostly cloudy, mostly rainy, most of the time. As long as I get the occasional sunbreak, I'm a happy camper. A LEEETLE variety is all I ask. The occasional warm day in the winter, the occasional cool day in a warm summer.

Let me tell you what taunts happy fun ball. Not breaking 50 degrees for several days in a row. In June. Having to run a fire because it's so cold in the house. In June. Not being able to plant my damned tomatoes because of the aforementioned temperatures. In June. Not being able to test my wonderful new self-watering planter barrels because it's pissing down rain. In June. Ok, that's not unusual, but I gotta tell you that on top of everything else, it feels like a meteorologic conspiracy. In June.

We're supposed to get a HEAT started today with a bit of sunshine and we're supposed to see...wait for it. No serious, we're supposed to 70 DEGREES this weekend. It will be a cavalcade of bluish-white bodies on every piece of grass in Seattle. Talk about needing sunglasses.

Anyway, I like Seattle's weather. But this year, the winter was the tiniest smidge too cold for a bit too long. In June.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"If You Leave Me, Can I Come to My Senses?"

Earlier on IM...
Debi: The song that just came on? "If You Leave Me, Can I Come too?"
Chris: Listening to country music?
Debi: Supposedly, New Wave Hits of the 80s. Though it doesn't sound so much like it. Defies categorization to an extent.
Chris: I think the full title of that song is "If You Leave Me, Can I Come to My Senses?".
By Leo Sayer.
Or Asia.
Or the supergroup they formed, Leo Sasia.

No one can be uncheered by Chris. If you are, it's because he doesn't work well under pressure, so lighten up, will you?

Time for a few more oldies

Danger could be my middle name, but it’s John
Source: Eddie Izzard, Glorious
You should watch some of his stand-up. No one can be uncheered by Eddie Izzard. And if you can be uncheered? Why exactly are you reading this?

Will you steal me a candy bar?
Source: One of the things Jeremy learned to say "No" to in an afterschool class

How hard can it be to blow up a room full of gasoline?
Source: Mythbusters

Can we try with real bullets now?
Source: Mathilda in Léon
I am a HUGE Natalie Portman fan. She is a hottie in the truest sense of the word. And I know that in this movie she was the 13. I do NOT care. I don't think she has ever been hotter. A 13-year-old sex kitten. Meow.

You look a little home-schooled.
Source: Six-Feel Under, 3rd Season

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I’m happy to be your enabler or your disabler

Source: Markie Barkie's offer to help encourage or alleviate drama

I don't think they'd let someone like me carry a gun

Source: Memento
We just FINALLY saw this movie...for some reason, it never appealed to Mike when it was first out on video and there was always something else to rent. The storyline is interesting, but it's the way the movie is edited that is spectacular. It's about a man left with no short-term memory after a home invasion that killed his wife and left him with this brain condition. The editing of the story takes you back, back, back...Mike didn't like the editing, not sure mom saw the point. I loved it. So, it's a good movie!

Now, I just have to get around to watching Taxi Driver one of these days. The bastard Neil says so.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

We're in high school forever. It's just what we do with it.

The full quote is:
There are times when you just get down, you feel like nobody likes you. We're in high school forever. It's just what we do with it.
J. Russell Lynes, 1910 - 1991

You know? I'm glad it's not just me. I don't usually feel like a "grown-up" and in fact, sometimes adulthood just sort of smacks me upside the head. But there are times...

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

A slow leak of crazy juice

Source: Good Grief by Lolly Winston
Yeah, I've got one of those...or at least I'm leaking more than usual. Maybe I'm just trying to keep up with all the leaking the sky is was 42 when I looked at the weather today. I'm not complaining, I'm just not set up for this anymore. There's no firewood up here. Bleh. Anyway, I've got a slow leak.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

And I was about to show pity

Source: 9 Chickweed Lane, January 10, 2008

No, really. I've shown pity before. Perhaps even to those who didn't deserve it. Or maybe to those who did (which may be even more surprising).

Really, do we NEED the FBI?

Source: Comment by Mike on the news that the FBI is only getting new funds for National Security in the May 19 Seattle Post-Intellinger

Monday, June 02, 2008

I'm a bitch, ya know...

Well there's a big ol' bag of DUH! Here's some of the best of the bitchy archives.

Gee, you should have a specialist look at that.
Source: Debi’s sarcastic comment towards Mike’s injury
When Mike fell at work and used his arm to brace himself as he hit the ground. He went off to the occupational medical place and they couldn't figure out for the life of them why he couldn't extend his arm...essentially, after having every friggin' body looking at the arm,this is what they said. Turned out he pissed off a tendon, and then his wife by being stuck in the house for 10 days.

Why isn’t Rambo Dead?
Source: Apparently he was living of those southeast Asian countries
I was at Karaoke this weekend. Dom actually made the point that he liked Rambo IV better than the latest Indiana Jones picture because he didn't expect anything from Rambo. No accounting for taste, I suppose.

My shrink thinks I'm "irritable"...have we JUST met?!?
Source: Actual paraphrase of conversation with my long-time psychiatrist
Honestly, she said this. That I seemed "irritable". Me? Face it, some days I'm a bitch. Other days, I'm a TURBO bitch on steroids who hasn't had sugar or caffeine today. I'm not saying I'm not imbalanced, but can you really base it on irritablity??

It’s just a flesh wound
Source: Gabe’s head gash on Labor Day Camping Weekend
Ok, we took one of Jeremy's friends camping with us. He happened to be the son of someone I've spent a bit of time with as well. As the adults are setting up camp, the boys wander off. To the river. To throw rocks. And of course the borrowed kid gets his head gashed open. Much hilarity ensued. Strangely, neither mom nor child had much sense of humor about it.

$18.5 Million for an UGLY egg?
Source: Rare Faberge egg sells for $18.5 million
It's an ugly egg. I could buy SO many shoes for that much money. Enough said.

Cabin Pressure is overrated
Source: Debi’s comment on being forced to spend 6 hours in the SLC airport b/c they couldn’t pressurize the cabin
Honestly? I think we could have flown at low altitude and gotten back to Seattle faster.

Really? Dignity is something you’re concerned with?
Source: The Bastard Neil in response to someone saying "I don’t do shots. They’re undignified" after buying a round of shots for my Bachelorette Party
The. Bitchiest. Comment. Ever. It was like a wedding present or something. Best part? The Bastard Neil, who hadn't had much to drink at all, didn't remember making it. He's just that damned funny.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

"Ditto," you provincial putz?

Source: Hedley Lamarr in Blazing Saddles

Harvey Korman died on Thursday at the age of 81. The man was a comic genius, lauded by Carol Burnett, Mel of one of the BEST movies of all time, Blazing Saddles. Because of that movie, I spent the last few weeks of my senior year in high school playing with a paddle ball in the hallways. I was busy working VERY HARD.

As an aside to Chris, Tim Conway is still alive. However, IMDB does not reveal any Dorf activity since 2001's blockbuster Dorf da Bingo King.

Thanks for the laughs, Harvey.