Sunday, November 16, 2008

If it was up your ass you'd know

Something Derrick Midkiff used to say when we were in high school

Derrick used to say this all the time when someone asked the location of some object. It never occurred to any of us to reply "Well, it's really not up my ass, which is why I enquire." Of course, I grew up with a bunch of military brats. They thought opening up a bag of potato chips flat on the counter, yelling "Potato Famine!" and going at it with their faces (hands held behind their backs) was the HEIGHT of hilarity. Maybe it was. We also liked to shoot bottle rockets out of moving vehicles and shoot Pepsi machines with BB pistols. I grew up in Podunkville, not a lot of trouble we could get into so we had to be VERY creative.

I felt like this a lot last week. Some people SERIOUSLY needed to look up their ass to find their head. "Here's this, can you figure it out?" Um, no. It's not my responsibility (it's yours), I don't actually know how this applies (it isn't the right info) and I'm currently doing the work of 2 people in half the time it should take. I'm totally not complaining about the last part. However I am SOOOO much less inclined to even feel SYMPATHY for others being even a little bit clueless.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

That's one talented tallywhacker

It would seem that a gentleman named Daniel Shilts in Sheboygan was arrested for driving "OWI" (which seems to Wisconsin's equivalent to "you drank too much and got into your car, dumb ass"). After failing the field sobriety test, I assume he was cuffed, his car impounded and the nice officer started to drive him off to jail. Here's where it gets hinky.

Somehow, Mr. Shilts managed to urinate in the back of the patrol car. Well, that's not hard, right? True, but he ALSO managed to urinate on the back of the officers head. Yep, you read that right. So, either the officer was not smart enough to cuff the perp behind his back (in which case, he might have deserved cranial urination) or Mr. Shilts should have women lined up for the rest of his natural life. A penis that talented does not come along every day.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Hold on to 16 as long as you can...

Jack and Diane, John Mellencamp off the 1982 American Fool album
Honestly, one of those songs that never, ever gets old. My freshman year in college, one of the girls on my floor would blast three songs occasionally: Jack and Diane, Simon & Garfunkel's Cecilia and Salt 'n Pepa's Push It. Ok, she was odd.

John Mellencamp is no Meat Loaf. I either see him when I'm scrolling by and just think "yeah" or I get "Cherry Bomb" stuck in my head (or occasionally "I Need a Lover") and MUST. LISTEN. NOW. But I never reach to turn him off.

Back to the topic at hand, I don't think there's a time in my life I would have wanted to hold on to 16. I'm not sure I was ever even jonesing to GET to 16. I do occasionally miss the lack of permanent consequences your stupid choices had, but 16 was HELL. Ok, frankly, it wasn't until my mid-20s that I even vaguely realized that life wasn't supposed to be like THAT. I'm happy where I am. I wish my knees and my chest were 16 again, but other than that, I'm good thanks.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

The Apocalypse? It is now...

The Bastard Neil has returned to Seattle. It is not just a rumor for I saw him with my own eyes. I was not under the influence of strong drink or tabacco. So, anyway, welcome back. There shall be sacrificial lamb very soon. After a week of shunning.

As an aside, I've never seen Apocalypse Now. It came out before I would have been watching movies like that. And I'm almost always disappointed by "the classics". The Bastard encouraged me to watch Taxi Driver. Eh. I'm not much for atmospheric movies.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?

Source: The Big Bang Theory

Nope, turns out the asexual Sheldon just found a minion who was getting him breakfast.

In other news, the picture above is of the Rectal Rocket Suppository, a breakthrough in hemmorhoid treatment. What, you ask, makes it so special? Well, my two favorites are that it doesn't get lost in the rectum allowing it to treat both internal AND external hemmorhoids simultaneously. And it has a special grove allowing you to fart. Always an important concern.

I'm glad I could bring you the news.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I am SOOOO Back!

You'll notice you've been redirected to my own domain. Yes, it's true. After all these years, I'm now at It was SUPPOSED to be an easy $10 automagical move. PSYCH! Now after being down for several days, I'm back. I'm still a bit at the mercy of a certain tyrant, but life goes on. I just have to do my entries from home.

Life is interesting these days, eh?