The power of positive thinking…also known as denial

John Henson on Wipeout

Mike is irrationally amused by this show. To the point that he convulses through most of it. It's essentially 24 goofy people taking on an impossible obstacle course for $50,000. The Japanese have been doing it for years. There are a lot of good shots of the human body in positions nature never intended in super slo-mo.

Mike wants to go on the course. There's not much chance to go on the show since you (1)have to live in California and (2)must be able to at least FAKE outgoing.

Fascism by proxy

David Sullivan characterizing his homeowner's association

Itty Bitty Crazy should be yippy skippy over the fact that I have ALREADY queued up tomorrow's post. I could still be sitting here trying to figure out Civilization IV which may, in fact, be too complex for me to wanna waste my free time on.

So, David's homeowner's association doesn't seem to like bird feeders. Bird feeders, people. So, when David (who is obviously a subversive) hung one on his deck? They. Took. Action. Like all dictators, they reported it to the management company so that their hands would not be dirtied.

Bird Feeders? Where I come from, homeowner's associations exist to make sure you don't park that 1962 30' camper in your driveway and mow your lawn occasionally. I've HEARD that they care what color you paint your house, but face it, most people that live in a covenant community aren't creative enough to paint outside the lines...at least where I'm from. A friggin' bird feeder, people? Unless it has neon lights and plays Boom Boom in the middle of the night, what's the problem???

Go go gadget webcrawler!

Coworker "marveling" at the speed at which I reported on Michael Jackson

So, you might have heard that TMZ.com was the first to report the news that Jacko has shuffled off the mortal coil. It was fascinating to me to watch how the news spread around various news sources. I heard the news while flipping through the TV channels while the dogs were outside. E! broke into some show I was momentarily engrossed in (I think it was 1001 Biggest Celebrity Divorces or some other such dreck that you can watch for 2 minutes at a time) to say that Jacko was dead. Huh...I toddled over to the "Real News" stations and they had started to report he was in the hospital.

Back upstairs to my computer to see what I can find. Indeed TMZ is reporting the death, but no one else is saying anything except that he's been rushed to the hospital. Over the next hour, I watched as MSN, CNN, Yahoo! News, TMZ, the Drudge Report, E!Online and finally the LA Times reported the news. For a few minutes, Yahoo! had a headline saying MJ was dead, and then in the article quoted TMZ as reporting it.

It was REALLY weird to see which sites updated every 2-3 minutes and how. When the LA Times called it, all the stations started reporting it as more of a fact. Meanwhile, I was engaged on IM with my friend who gave me the title of this post. Did TMZ actually know that MJ had died or were they taking a pretty even bet that they'd get all sorts of kudos for being right? Later that day, reports were surfacing about Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford being dead...what's news these days?

I'm glad that over the weekend I renewed my acquaintance with the pre-severely effed up Michael Jackson. The one that was a unassailable genius. I never really realized he was the first black artist on MTV. You know, the channel he helped DEFINE? I had no idea that getting him on there was a struggle. All jokes aside, it would have never occurred to me that Michael Jackson was "black" in that sense...I thought he was MTV as much as Duran Duran, Madonna and The Police.

Anyway, food for thought. As tiring as I think the coverage of the death is, I really am looking at it from a cultural perspective. It's not Princess Diana's death, it's not Elvis or John Lennon dying. Is that good? Bad? Who knows.

The King is dead. Long live the King.

Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, 1958 - 2009

"First Vincent Price and then Michael Jackson! How many MORE people involved in the Thriller video need to die before you realize it's cursed?!?"
Comment made by Debi. She's seeking professional help

Well, unless you're dead, you know both who Michael Jackson is and that he is dead. And within 5 minutes of CNN confirming the news that he was dead, Larry King had Celine Dion, Smokey Robinson and Cher lined up to talk about it LIVE. Wow, when I think of people that can and should speak to Michael's career, those are the top three on MY list...of "WTF would THEY know?" celebrities.

Michael Jackson was an integral part of the most embarrassing moment of my teenage years (ok, maybe second most, but no one knew about the first). When my sociopathic stepfather came to pick me up one day from school when I was sick, he had to drive around by the sports fields to load my bicycle into our gold Pontiac J2000 wagon. No biggie right? Except for the part where it's the middle of a class period and approximately 1/6 of the school is out on said sports fields. So? Oh, did I mention that he was playing Thriller (the song, not the album) at top volume? And singing along? So that you could have heard him from the next street? Yeah, REAL cool. I remember him wearing a polyester shirt, too, but that could just be embellishment of the story.

Mike and I were talking about it, and his comment was that he feels bad that anyone dies, but MJ's passing doesn't bother him. And I said (without thinking, per usual) that he'd already done everything except continue to embarrass the world. Perhaps unfair, but the dude's life was seriously effed up.

I doubt I'll miss him. I'm certain to be annoyed by the outpouring of grief. I do recognize him for the true and utter genius he was, but the world has been missing that part of Michael Jackson for many, many years.

I've always wanted to be a euphemism

Comment to Chris after becoming aware of my IM classification

For those of you who live your life on IM, you might know that you can put together groups. Personally, I have a "main" group that lives at the top of both of my programs, and then I have various groups below based on how important it is to see you without scrolling. I only have two groups in my personal IM, but seven or eight in my work IM.

Chris doesn't close his IM window when no one is talking. Weird to me, because I ALWAYS want things to GO AWAY off my desktop. Anyway, I walked up yesterday, and I was in a window called "Euphemism". So I excitedly said "I'm a euphemism?" only to be told I'm one of many. But still, it's better than being a dysphemism...on second thought, maybe it's not.

Good News! They broke out the bagpipe music!

We live in a boring middle-class (for Seattle) neighborhood. Aside from the insanity during the snow storm when we had prowlers, a burglary, and an elderly gentleman whacking off in someone's driveway, it's pretty quiet.

Sunday afternoon, there was a BBQ somewhere down the hill behind our house. Aside from the fact that I've been feeling quite poorly and wanted to nap, it was no big deal. I closed the windows and turned on the fan and napped quite nicely.

Seeing as the party had been going strong when we got home around 3:30, and this being the aforementioned boring neighborhood, it never occurred to us that it would be bigger and better as the (Sunday) evening progressed. Gosh, was I pleasantly surprised.

As I'm getting ready to head to bed around 9:30, I mention to Mike that the party is getting louder. It actually sounds like they're starting the keg stand portion of the evening. I'm puttering around the bedroom putting up clean clothes, playing with the insane dogs. Ten minutes later, I kid you not, the bagpipe music started up. It was obviously not live and it was VERY loud.

Now that I think about it, perhaps a neighbor put that on. The party got quieter after that, and while they impressively went until at least 11:30, it wasn't too bad.

But most of all, this story allowed me to Google for "bagpipes". And this is the picture it gave me on the first page. I've never been so, um, hrm. It's like Mel Gibson got drunk and decided to play the bagpipes. And the drummer? Mesmerizing. Google is the BEST. TOY. EVER!

This is the thing about power...

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

Right around Memorial Day, someone posted some "information" to a mailing list I belong to. I don't remember the exact content, but it was something meant to illustrate how pointlessly our government is spending the lives of our military personnel. This hit a nerve with many people on the list. To me, and others, it felt disrespectful. It could have been posted on any day that wasn't dedicated to those who have laid down their lives so that we have the luxury of being disrespectful.

I dislike the conflicts we are in as much as any bleeding heart liberal. I think we are in them for the wrong reasons. I think that as a country and a species, we refuse to look backwards to learn any lessons. I think that the elite always make the decision to go to war and the expendables in society fight them. Sometimes the elite join in the battle, but the rules are always different for them.

During the ensuing email discussion, the original poster brought up how our government got into the war in Iraq being all about politics...as if there has ever been a war that was NOT about politics. I don't care why you're going to war...land, religion, genocide...whether you're pro- or con-, it's political. That's not good, bad or indifferent in my book. Life is politics, but "politics" has taken on a nasty meaning.

Right after this, I came across this passage, and it was the most eloquent statement of my views I've seen.

This is the thing about power, I think. To some people – those of us who have none – anyone who has it and uses it is a villain. To those who have it, anyone who tries to stop them from using it is a villain. Because we’re all the heroes of our own story, no matter what horrible things we might be doing.

Sometimes people do terrible things with the best of intentions. I don’t think that makes them less guilty. But if you understand their reasons, you might find it more difficult to condemn them out of hand. You might find it more difficult to call them villains.

On the other hand, sometimes people do terrible things with the absolute worst of intentions. But even there, I don’t think they’re supervillains. I think they’re just people.

I think I believe in evil, but I'm not sure I believe people are evil. Those that knew or knew of my ex-stepfather can probably attest that I've lived with evil. But is the person evil, or just the deeds? I don't know the answer to that, but even if people can be evil, I don't think there are very many of them. I think most everyone does what they believe is the right thing. They may qualify as lunatics or assholes or idiots or angels depending on who you ask...but they believe they're fighting the good fight. Anyway, I wanted to share.

The sound of music confuses you

NCIS

I don't remember who said this to Tony, but it was probably Kate. Mike says we can't re-watch all of NCIS for at least two years. Unfair.

Put down the rose-colored crack pipe

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

I must start using this phrase. I think I shall use it on my boss tomorrow. For no particular reason.

If I still have anyone reading, I'm TRYING to keep up. I have no excuse except being a slacker.

I've found exactly two things: Jack and Shit

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

I finished this book, and there are still a couple of quotes coming. I was really intrigued and a little moved by this book. Of course, it's hard to completely sell me on a book if you can't use at least ONE quote for a screen name. But, you'll read it if you like and won't if you don't. I've given up on trying to get people to read things I like.

Friends don't let friends drive bulldozers ripped on acid

Source: Bumper sticker spied last week

I am not getting old. I've always been blind as a bat...or I've been headed this way progressively since around 1984. It probably started before that, but that's when I got glasses. My doctor used to tease me about being an overachiever in the blindness category...except I've got EXCELLENT vision compared to the momster. I also have some semblance of depth perception, but only compared to her. It scares everyone else.

Anyway, the reason I say this is that I HATE tiny writing on bumper stickers. I love bumper stickers. They're often witty and make me smile. But if you care enough to put them on your car, make them big enough for people to read.

Here's what happens, for instance, when you put this cute one on the back of your white Ford Explorer. I spy it, then get engrossed in trying to read what it says (because upon first reading, I MUST have gotten it wrong, right?). So I get a little closer and a little closer. Next thing you know, you think I'm trying to cut you off while we're merging and your passenger extends his much-tattooed arm out the adjoining window and gives me the one fingered salute.

Now, I'm sure I must have been given the bird at SOME point in the 15 1/2 years I've lived in this fair city. Or more precisely, I must have been given it while driving by someone I don't know. But I'll be darned if I remember it. It was quite shocking. I found myself wanting to catch up with them and apologize and compliment them on the bumper sticker. WTF? Since when does this nice Southern Belle not respond in kind to such a rude gesture???

All I'm saying is that it's not me. It's you.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Cool Hand Luke

I have a secret shame. I don't like classic movies. You know, the ones you're supposed to have seen because they're cultural touchstones? Too often, by the time you sit down to see them 30 years after they've been released, you already know pretty much everything you need to know about the movie. Deliverance? Well, I already knew Ned Beatty needed to squeal like a pig. Soylent Green? Yeah, it's people. Midnight Cowboy? Sorry, still don't know what the point of that was...the list goes on. Screwball comedies? Bring 'em on. Musicals? Hell ya! ANYTHING with Cary Grant with maybe one or two exceptions is on my watch list. "Culturally Significant" stuff? Not so much.

However, we watched the original of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Mike had rented the new Keanu Reeves version and wanted to see the original. Strangely, I found it unopened downstairs, so we watched. It wasn't bad, but it made me want to see more Patricia Neal. She was in Hud which I put on hold at the library and it occurred to me I'd never seen any of Paul Newman's stuff. Ok, I saw Butch Cassidy when it came out (I think I was 4) and I saw Cars, which doesn't count.

Anyway, I put a few things on hold at the library, and we watched Cool Hand Luke tonight. It wasn't a fast paced movie...it was kind of languid and a little subtle. The breaking of Luke reminded me a lot of Jack Nicholson's character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Ok, so that movie didn't suck, but it wasn't as good as the book. This one may or may not be worth watching for you. George Kennedy won an Oscar, and that worked for me.

I'm glad I saw it. I'm not sure I'll love the other stuff I've got coming from the library, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Got anything I should see?

Isn’t it better to think nothing than to think something that’s completely idiotic?

Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin

For those of you who DON'T (are there any of you?), I've been a royal watcher since Diana and Charles got engaged. We won't even talk about the fact that all I wanted for prezzies for years were books about Diana. Or the plates. The boxes of plates that haven't been on my wall since we left our apartment 6 1/2 years ago. The plates I thought would only go up in value. No, not those Franklin Mint things...commemorative plates from England...weddings, births, anniversaries. The plate that "celebrated" Diana losing her HRH title. I've got some good stuff. I've got some REAL crap, too. Most of which is worth $.99 on eBay. Eh, I'll sell it off soon anyway. I've been saying THAT for a few years now.

Anyway, this is sort of a satire based on Charles and Diana, much in the vein of The Queen and I by Sue Townsend. I recommend ANYTHING by her. The couple is cast out of England and sent to reconquer the colonies.

I have to say, it DRAGS. It's 24 hours on disc and I'm less than half way through it. It took a quarter of the book for them to be expelled from England. But it's very funny in places and I like the story.

You wouldn't believe how much pent up rage the average Britney Spears fan has

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

Interesting books, HILARIOUS one-liners. What happens when 5 normal college students wake up one morning with super powers? Most people's automatic reaction is "Cool!" This explores the idea that, well...not necessarily so cool. I'm about half way through the book, so I'll report later.

Damned Little White Pill

I take between 30 and 40 pills a day. Almost entirely supplements because of the reconfiguration of my gastrointestinal system a few years back. I put them all in a pill case so I can take them in the morning and the evening. The number of pills fluctuates based on dosages and prescriptions and whether or not I remembered to pick up Red Rice Yeast when it emptied.

Anyway, there's always an escapee. I take the 10 - 15 pills, toss them in my upturned mouth, and chase it down with the closest liquid. At least 2 out 3 handfuls has an escapee. If I'm lucky, it just heads for my shirt and gets lodged between...well it gets lodged, but it's easy to retrieve. But usually, it bounces off some part of my body and hits the floor. And I mean bounces.

It used to be one of the little green iron pills. Mike would find them any time he swept or vacuumed. Now, it's the little white pills. I was taking 4 each morning (two different prescriptions) and there were ALWAYS white pills hiding on the floor. Now, I'm down to one little white pill, but that's still the one that manages to escape. I can get down on my stomach and still not see it. I'm blind as a bat.

Strangely, pills are the only thing that the dogs don't seek and consume, which is awfully convenient given that I'd rather Lily chew on my cell phone case than one of my pills.

I will survive if only out of spite

So by my count, I've been sick 4 of the last 5 weeks. 3 of the last 5 weeks, I have not been at work I have been so sick. I wouldn't actually bother whining about this latest one but for 2 things.

1. I'd already been sick for 3 weeks and "well" for about one. That wasn't just ANY illness, that was bronchitis. I'm pretty sure my one and hopefully only kidney infection was more pleasant that bronchitis. It took me two weeks to feel well enough to wish for death. But I digress

2. This was a freakin' cold. A cold that laid me out for 6 days, and 8 days later still has my throat uncomfortable.

Has ANYONE seen my immune system? I'd like to bring it home and nurse it back to health. I have visions of it turning tricks on Aurora to get enough money for it's next hit of crack. I won't even do the Jewish mother thing of "do you KNOW how worried I've been?"

So, I apologize for my absence. When I have been working, I've been uninspired at best. I'm uninspired today, but that has to do with being up since 5 a.m. And Bert, I can't even blame you, which has me VERY cross.

I rarely find motive in bird vomit

Jack Hodgins on Bones

I like Bones. A lot. I didn't want to. Another thing I blame for which I blame my husband. The last few episodes have been getting funnier and funnier. This made me laugh, so I share.

I also share because I'm sick again and I'm not feeling particularly creative. Hopefully, it's a 48 hour bug. I'll get back with you.

Watch. Me. Faggots.

Dom DeLuise, 1933 - 2009

This is from Blazing Saddles, one of the finest movies out there. And this is Dom's finest line (he only has a few). I can't explain it, and if you don't know what I'm talking about (Justin), go rent the movie because your education is severely lacking.

Perhaps the only funnier thing I ever saw from Dom was in the outtakes from Smokey and the Bandit II, a terrible movie. Dom co-stars as "Doc" and there's an elephant involved. At one point, he's sitting on the back of the semi-trailer, and the elephant reaches around and pretty much grabs his crotch. I don't remember much else from that movie, but that scene is a classic.

Dom was a classic guy and unbeknownst to me, had a second career as a chef. Huh.

I hope we stop saying goodbye to funny people for a little while.

My Buttocks Itch

Tyronius Yvonne Baines, Spring Break 1988

I have been friends with Ty Baines since August of 1986 when we had English together at Choctaw High School. Ok, I'm not going to count how many years that is. Through thick and thin and not a few years of non-communication, he's one of those rare people that you can talk to after 5 years and it makes no difference.

I like to think that I have some of the funniest pictures of Ty in existence. And I like to think that I've been there for some of his most amusing moments. Like this one.

One night during Spring Break, Ty and TJ picked me up with what I remember to be a quite revolting Godfather's Pizza. Godfather's was between them and me and also between me and the beach. So it was a great plan not only to (a) forget to ask the cute girl of the party what SHE liked on her pizza but to (b) pick it up first so that it was appetizingly warm and um...yeah. We were 16.

So, we drive out to the Officer's Beach Club on Okaloosa Island. It wasn't exactly allowed, and the MPs could have sent us packing, but I don't think I ever got caught down there. We ate the pizza, or at least they did. I don't remember what on earth made Ty decide to take a running leap into the sand of the volleyball court, but he did. And it sand swimming was born.

If you can imagine a 6 and a half foot guy down in the sugar white sand of the Florida Panhandle, diving and doing the breaststroke, then flipping over for a little floating, well you've got what made the night so darned fun. But I'm not sure I'd have really remembered it save for the utterly DUH! moment that followed.

Around the time this picture was taken, Ty uttered, in a very pompous "British" accent that only a Lower Alabamian could pull off: "My Buttocks. Itch."

The good thing about these beaches? Yeah, the sand really is that white and than fine. The bad thing? It gets into all the spots powdery stuff THAT fine will get into when you don't want it to. And when you spend 10 minutes flailing around in it? Well, it's no wonder that to this day I like to quote this back to Ty.

I say this all because Cinco de Mayo is the 38th birthday of my dearest Tyronius. Which means I've known him for WELL over half my life. It finds him with an awesome wife, an adorable son, a kick ass job. Which is why I hope someone finally gets him some damned ointment!

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like Bea?

Bea Arthur, 1922 - 2009

Ok, let's see if I remember how to do this after a month.

Bea Arthur was one magnificent broad. Most of us know her from her stint on The Golden Girls in the 80s, as the wise-cracking Dorothy Zbornak. Many fewer of my particular generation know her as the outspoken Maude. MAYBE the freakin' network will release the whole series on DVD as a tribute?

If you've never heard Bea Arthur on the original Broadway soundtrack of Mame with Angela Lansbury, you're missing out.

As Sars says over at Tomato Nation, "at some point her name became synonymous with 'undesirable butch older woman.'" I DO remember that on a roast of Jerry Stiller, someone said of Sandra Bernhart "I wouldn't f*ck her with Bea Arthur's dick."

Anyway, I adored her. I wish she'd done more. I hope to watch Maude in it's entirety. And I wish I were well enough to do a post that did her justice. I'm getting there. May her memory be for a blessing.