The "Mission Accomplished" five years ago...WASN'T???

The big headline on Yahoo! at this moment is
White House admits fault on 'Mission Accomplished' banner
Well, no they haven't. According to the AP, they admitted they paid a price. They admitted they looked like assholes for flying a banner that "should have been much more specific" since the PR department (sorry, the press secretary) says it referred only to the end of the 10 month mission of the USS Abraham Lincoln. They regret that their stories weren't consistent when they first claimed that the White House didn't have anything to do with the banner when in reality the White House had it made by a private vendor. (That one COULD have been innocent...happens at companies I've worked for, but we looked like assholes, too.) That may be backstory...the White House may not have actually said anything about that recent. They don't admit to being a little premature in saying THAT DAY (3 or 4 weeks into a 5 year war) that "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended."

Damn it, I've yet to hear ANYONE stand up and say "Yes, it was my idea for him to wear that codpiece inside that ridiculous flight suit. A president has to look like he has balls, even when he doesn't. I made a judgment call and I was wrong. I hope the American people and the world at large can forgive me."

Update: The funniest part about that previous paragraph? Two people asked me what a codpiece is. However, Robert nailed the true nature of the fashion faux pas. "I think it was more like a wonderbra than a true codpiece. Lift and push forward. Although, it could just be his extra pair of wool socks his mother packed for him."

So, in conclusion, they admit "fault" for not being more specific? And for paying the price? I honestly don't know what to say to that. Thank goodness this is being documented for posterity.

Anyway, maybe this AP story just sucks. Perhaps the reporting is bad and the copyeditors worse. I expect better out of the AP, and I'm continually disappointed (says the former PM of some SERIOUS rockstar copyeditors). I just took a look around...Reuters, CNN, BBC. Well, they say the Fed cut interest rates today. Apparently they think that Bush should jam is non-apologetic apology.

You write like William Faulkner. What order do all those sentences go in?

Chris in response to an unprovoked IM novel sent by Debi

1. I never read Faulkner. I think I tried. Nope, turns out that was Steinbeck...well, face it. "Tried" with all those guys consisted of buying one of their books and not reading it. I got through a few pages of Steinbeck and could not have possibly cared less.

2. In person, Chris never seems to mind that I leave out every other sentence. Either he's smarter in person, or he's nodding his head to avoid conflict. See post below.

But if I keep putting up archives, who will read the recent entries?

Seriously, I flatter myself, eh?




Limiting my dependence on foreign vodka.
Source: New Yorker Cartoon




I spread Elizabethan diseases at Renaissance fairs
Source: 9 Chickwood Lane, 6/22/07
Etta is a professional dancer. Who happens to smarter than you or me. This was one of her responses to the question "But what do you really do?"



Enabling your self-labeling
Source: Debi’s response to Chris calling himself "Conflict Averse". Of course, I'm not sure that's self-labeling so much as truth in advertising.




It takes a very secure man to walk like that
Source: Miss Congeniality
Ok, this is a lame one. Sometimes, I got no inspiration. Sometimes? I've been known to troll IMDB for a decent quote. This one is funny, but predictable. That's not in itself bad, but it's for no good reason. I'm ashamed. But at least I know the genius that is Mel Brooks.



What to do in case of accidental poisoning or decapitation?
Source: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

Double parked on the highway of love

Source: Too close together, Peter Wolf on Sleepless
So, this is not Peter Wolf like you remember him with the J. Geils Band. Not that there was ANYTHING wrong with him with the J. Geils Band. He's even got Mick Jagger collaborating with him on one song. Definitely worth checking out in my opinion and even available on eMusic.

Fahrvergnügen...Italian for "High monthly payments"

Source: The Vendetta Defense
Lisa Scottoline

P.S. Welcome, Andy. If you're reading, I hope the grater wounds have healed. If not, I'm bringing a microplane next time. For the cheese, of course.

Insert witticism here...

I’m on a low fat-head diet
Source: The Ant Bully

People ask where I get my pictures. Usually I enter some or all of the phrase into the Google Toolbar, choose Google Images and hit search. Most of the time, something I like pops up within the first few images or at least the first page or two. If not, I move along to some permutation until I find what suits me. For this day? I chose "Fat Head". This was one of the first images to appear. Argument with Google CLEARLY was not in that day's cards.

The Dreary Architecture of your soul
Source: Cousin Dupree by Steely Dan
There is a LOT to love about Steely Dan, but this one of my favorites. Icky as hell, but with a serious smack down.




Rusty Possum Fart
Source: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay




Tachycardia Fairy
This was Chris' label of Debi after she shared with a fellow Starbucks customer that you don't HAVE to water down that iced tea with more water




Scandinavian Haute Cuisine
Source: Chris’ description of Copper Gate in Ballard

I’ve paid my dues and I want some overnight success

Source: Christian Troy in Nip/Tuck
This was a show whose concept Mike and I disdained. Late one night, we were flipping channels and we were mesmerized by the pilot. It involved both genital and excessive (and I do mean EXCESSIVE facial) botox and the best way to dispose of a body in the Everglades. It's harder than you think! The next day (I don't think the video store was open when it was over), we went and got Season 1.

It's a train wreck. A constant train wreck. That we love beyond words. While it's got a lot of gore, both visual and emotional, it's actually got a lot of good story lines. Season 5 is over, but we're getting through it on TIVO.

Will you be my 'friend'? There’s Praizola in it for you.

This one is actually pretty old, but the commentary it deserves is epic. I was shopping around for a replacement for Trillian, the IM client I use for my work account. I ran across an OLD version of Praize, "the first ever Windows Instant Messenger for the global Christian community." Huh? I've been using HEATHEN clients. Or MAYBE Evil Wiccan ones! Yeah, that joke will get old, but it's not there yet.

Anyway, the description continues with the following abuses of quotation marks: The messenger will allow you to contact your 'friends' in real time, search the Web, transfer files and access various Christian 'channels' within the software.

Since I don't think I have any 'friends', being a Jew, I immediately asked Chris, an athiest if he'd be my 'friend' and sent him the link. He said it looked like Maize or Mazola (I honestly don't remember which), and it degenerated from there into Praizola! Made from the skins of REAL evangelical Christians! It's a good thing that neither of us believe in hell.

You're a carbuncle on the face of humanity and an obstacle to civilization

Actually, the whole quote is: "Dude, if you're reading this, you're a carbuncle on the face of humanity and an obstacle to civilization. Feel the shame." It's from a lovely op-ed piece in the LA Times on Men Who Explain Things. While the author is right even in her subtitle in that all women have had this happen, I'm pretty fortunate that most men (and women) I know wouldn't even consider it until I ask. Then damn if they don't know things I want explained!

Penis theft panic hits city...

Yahoo reports: Victims being detained, attemped sorcerer lynchings, dogs and cats living in sin. I don't care, I say the Evil Wiccans are behind it. Snohomish County is so last week.

I can smell clearly now the mold is gone

It would seem that walking around with a constant smell of moldy cheese in one's nose is not indicative of insanity so much as of a sinus infection. You may feel insane, while you constantly ask your spouse "What IS that smell?" Your spouse may indeed agree with your insanity self-diagnosis. Finally, you call your doctor's office and explain in that way that you have that seems to make all medical professionals laugh that you have this dilemma. The stunningly capable nurse (after recovering from her mirth) explains that you have a sinus infection, something that is still "perfectly normal" in this stage of one's recovery from sinus surgery. You know, I've never been normal. Not perfectly normal, imperfectly normal. Hell, I can't even pull off Abby Normal most days. The "perfectly normal" thing isn't working for me. I'll admit that it had a certain novelty. It wore off.

P.S. I work for a kid that not only asked me "Who is Abby Normal?" and guessed that "Mongo like Candy" came from the Goonies. What the hell is the world coming to?!? MUST be a kid. His parents must not let him watch Mel Brooks yet. I shall have to sneak them to him.

Stephanie Plum Speaks

I love Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. I've read some of her other stuff, and I'm not as impressed. Stephanie's a Trenton girl who stumbles into bounty hunting by mistake. She's not very good at it but she's lucky. She's got a neurotic mother, a seriously hysterical grandmother, a plus sized former hooker for a partner, a cop and a former special forces bounty hunter in her life. Mike and I are both addicted.



Eliza Doolittle does Trenton
Source: One for the Money




If Mickey Mouse could fly he’d be Donald Duck
Source: Four to Score
Incidentally, this was NOT said by Stephanie...it was some old guy, but I don't remember who.



Dressed up like a SWAT fairy
Source: Three to get Deadly




Why can’t you be disguised as a normal person?
Source: Four to Score
Stephanie's mom wants her to have a normal job. Such as one at the button factory or maybe the personal products factory (where they make tampons).


[Takes] all the sport out of breathing
Source: High Five
You know, Trenton doesn't have a lock on this...come to Florida sometime.

Maybe we should grease him…with some lard

Another episode of Mythbusters another abuse of Buster…although if you’ve got to be covered in lard, you could do worse than Kari and Scottie

Pirates of the Carribean Screen Names

How did Johnny Depp become the prettiest cast member of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End?



Well, slap me thrice and hand me to me mama! -- Gibbs



You add an agreeable sense of the macabre to any delirium -- Jack Sparrow to Tia Dalma


If I may lend a machete to your intellectual thicket -- Jack Sparrow




I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots -- Jack Sparrow



I have this on my to-use list (it's a long list), but I'm probably not going to get around to it:
Nobody move! I've dropped me brain -- Jack Sparrow

Backlog

You’re driving me normal!
Source: Dearly Devoted Dexter by Jeff Lindsay




Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you
Source: Adam Ferrera on the Roast of Denis Leary




Denise: Do you get that?
John: No, I just like to smile.
Source: Camping Trip to Lake Easton



I harvest souls for Satan and sell memberships to the parasite of the month club
Source: 9 Chickwood Lane, May 16, 2007



Rehab is the new black
Source: T-shirt seen by Debi at Starbucks

The Wiccans are coming, the Wiccans are coming!

Things you DIDN'T know about Wicca:

• They're all about EVIL
• They've only been around about for a few decades.
  Ok, there's controversy surrounding this, but I think most of them believe the roots are a LEEETLE bit older.
• They go around laying ley lines
• Shiva is an evil Wiccan goddess
• Burning sage is an evil Wiccan practice
• Snohomish County, Washington better BEWARE. It is RIFE with wiccans. First Snohomish County. Next, the world.

It MUST be true. We heard it on the grapevine. Wait, those are probably evil, too. The bastard Neil will probably know.

Update: What's all this mean? This lecture was delivered for NO apparent reason to a friend of mine who was sitting in her usualy spot having lunch. This friend happens to be a Wiccan. Seriously? NOT worth the effort to correct the lecturer. Sorry to those of you who find this vague. Cope.

I guess naked pictures WOULD make the situation more "complicated"

In hiring and firing, "complicated" can mean two things: blackmail or lawsuit. And lawsuit is just blackmail at a higher level.

Anonymous Commenters?!?

Ok, so before Sunday, 2 people EVER read this thing. Now, there are anonymous comments??? Put your name to them, people. That's like saying something snarky I can't hear and then saying "never mind" when I ask you to repeat it. If you're going to go out of your way to try to be clever, at least speak up!

Damn the tax man...

Ok, we owe a BAZILLION dollars to the IRS. Because I still can't figure out our W-4s and perhaps I need to give up on TurboTax. Still. There's a new option where you can file whenever and have the IRS take out your payment automagically from your account at a later date. Like April 15th. And as of this morning, that money is still in our account. Yeah, yeah, Elaine, it's THEIR job to take it out, but this IS the IRS, and since we owe them said BAZILLION dollars, if they don't take it out, I see it as entirely possible that they'll charge us at least 10% of a BAZILLION dollars in penalties. AND due unusually large call volumes, I can't wait on hold, they told me to call back later. After I navigated their automated system for 5 minutes. Last year I sent them a check...but NO, I wanted my rebate done via direct deposit. They'll just use THAT for my penalties. BAH!
Update: Ok, I got through. OMG their hold music is FREAKISH loud. But at least it's good classical stuff. When I was on hold with TurboTax, they were playing bad instrumentals of 70s favorites. And no, there isn't a special line for paying money to the IRS.
Further Update: I spoke to a lovely woman who checked all my info, said it was in the system correctly and they should take our money sometime today. It's not the fault of the IRS...they just do what they're told by congress. Bastards.
Final Update: According to my bank, the withdrawl did take place on 4/15 under the heading "External Withdrawal IRS - / USATAXPYMT" GO USA! And just in case this looks like just another blog entry on the internet, this WAS my screen name and pic for the day.

Stop! Dalai Lama Time!

Source: Dartikus is going to see the Dalai Lama. Because he thinks scalping his ticket would be wrong.
Justin thinks we should make T-shirts of this...

Archives, Archives, Archives...

Save the world, eat a cicada
Source: Mike after reading about impending cicadas of doom in the Midwest




You shouldn’t kiss the other team
Source: Raymond on the camping trip to Lake Easton






You were only killing time and it’ll kill you right back…
Source: Out of the Frying Pan, Meatloaf



On top of being normal, I have no character
Source: The White Palazzo by Ellen Cooney
I remember not liking this book when I read it. Not hating it, but not getting much out of it other than this quote. I just went back to Amazon to get the URL and honestly, I don't even remember reading this book, that's how good it was. However, I'm apparently the only one who thinks so. According to the reviews, it's the most amazing thing to happen to lesbian fiction since lesbians were invented. Huh.


Full moon at a rabies convention
Source: Dearly Devoted Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

The Archives Keep Coming...

Essence of Insanity
Source: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince



Havana Omelets
Source: Term for a bowl movement that is so fast that it splashes in the bowl. Usually caused by diarrhea or a hangover.



A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age
Source: “Wasted Youth” – Bat out of Hell 2




Banking on my Thyroid
Source: Debi’s description of her Doctors’ theory on previous medical problems



I’m much better now that I’m back in denial
Source: New Yorker Cartoon

Personality of a Grub Worm

Source: Gerry’s comment on Bill Belichek at Trader Vic’s

Now Hear This!

I've decided to start putting comments that are clearly too long (or maybe a bit to cryptic) to use as screen names. For all of the one of you (Neil) who read this thing. Maybe Kathy will start reading, too.

Inexperienced but enthusiastic!

Source: Conversation between Neil and Debi that started with commentary about the recently raided Polygamist sect in Texas, meandered through the "hell" that would be 72 virgins in heaven, and continued with the following paragraph from Debi:
"Now, I'm all for doing one's part to educate future generations. Education is VERY important. But you've got to have a certain level of maturity for education to do any good. Obviously, people mature at different rates, so there's no hard and fast rule, erm, bad pun. Frankly, this country would be a HELL of a lot better off if we taught everyone how to have good sex. Dr. Ruth for President!"

Medicating Democracy!

Source: Lil' Bush, Big Pharm Episode
This show isn't bad...maybe the problem is that it's easy to imagine that it's utterly accturate that you're not sure if you're if it's funny ha-ha or funny I'm a about to lose control of my bodily functions.